Tony Deyal
FOR CHRISTMAS this year, my son Zubin got a remote-controlled SUV that goes 650 feet per minute. Fast as that is, it is much slower than the rate at which my money leaves my pockets and bank account every holiday season.
In the case of the toy vehicle, however, the money came from Zubin's grandmother who lugged it, and a large doll for my daughter Jasmine, all the way from Trinidad to Belize. I believe the gifts resulted from a situation similar to that of the two youngsters who were spending the night at their grandparents.
At bedtime, they knelt down to say their prayers when the youngest one began shouting at the top of his lungs, "LORD, WHAT I WANT MOST FROM YOU IS A NEW JEEP SUV," he screamed, "LORD, IF YOU WANT TO MAKE ME REALLY HAPPY YOU WILL GIVE ME THAT JEEP SUV FOR MY CHRISTMAS." His sister leaned over, nudged the little boy and asked, "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf!" To which her brother replied, "No, but Grandma is!"
Our home is a place in which Santa still lives and reigns supreme at Christmas time. I have never been one for political correctness and have no wish of being a rebel without a Claus. Although Christmas has become so commercial that it can make you 'claustrophobic', it continues to be special for us. As a shopper in the Christmas mêlée, my complaint is of long standing. It is easy to be as cynical as Dick Gregory, the Afro-American comedian, who said, "I never believed in Santa Claus because I knew no white man would be coming into my neighbourhood after dark." Or Groucho Marx who had a different take on it. He commented wryly, I played Santa Claus many times, and if you don't believe it, check out the divorce settlements awarded my wives.
It is true that there are three phrases that fill the air at Christmas time, 'Peace on Earth', 'Goodwill to all Men' and 'Batteries Not Included'. However, the truly generous are like the Energiser bunny - they keep on giving and giving and giving.
I like the quip by comedian Tom Armstrong since it reflects some of the dark deeds ascribed to some of this year’s Santas. He joked, 'Let me see if I've got this Santa business straight. You say he wears a beard, has no discernible source of income and flies to cities all over the world under cover of darkness. You sure this guy isn't laundering illegal drug money.? According to Reuters news agency, Drunken Santas on a rampage in New Zealand, armed German robbers in Santa disguises, a British St. Nick wanted for flashing, and a Swedish vandal in a Santa outfit are giving the big man in red a bad name this year.
A gunman in a Santa outfit held up a furniture store in the German town of Ludwigshafen (a safe place for Beethoven), filled his sack with cash, locked two women in the safe and escaped. Police in another city caught a bank robber dressed like Santa but instead of a pipe he carried a machine gun. They found him hiding in a ditch in a nearby forest. Most likely he was waiting for Rudolph and his other accomplices with the getaway sleigh. However, both the machine gun and the Santa were fakes.
In Auckland, New Zealand, 40 drunken Santas rampaged through the city centre, stealing from stores and assaulting security guards in a protest against Christmas becoming too commercial. And in Britain, police were looking for a Santa acting suspiciously - a flasher who exposed himself to women. If you thought Rudolph's nose was red.
I prefer to reflect on the true spirits of Christmas, not the alcohol, but the children. Once upon a time there was a little girl who wanted a kitten for Christmas. Her mother didn’t want to wait until Christmas because she was afraid all the kittens would be sold out, so she bought it the week before Christmas. The child was delighted but still a little disappointed and complained, Mummy, the kitten has a cute little claw on the outside of every paw and a cute little claw on the inside of every paw - but the poor little thing has no claws at all in the middle of its paws! Her mother smiled, ‘Don't worry darling, when you wake up on Christmas morning you'll find the claws are there.’ On Christmas Eve and no sign of a change in the kitten’s paws, the worried little girl asked her mother, 'Are you sure, Mummy’? The confident mother smiled, Of course, darling. Don't worry.
Christmas morning the little girl rushed downstairs to look at her little kitten. She was astonished to find that the kitten had four claws on every paw! The middle ones had appeared as if by magic. She rushed to her parents’ bedroom and shouted, ‘Mummy, Mummy! The kitten has grown its middle claws!’ Her mother just smiled knowingly. ‘But how did you know’? the little girl demanded. Her mother replied, ‘Everybody knows that centre-claws always come at Christmas!’
Then there was the little boy who had to draw the scene in which an angel appeared to warn Joseph and Mary to escape from danger. The teacher looked at his rendering and commented, ‘I see Joseph and Mary with the baby Jesus on a donkey, but what is that following the donkey’? The boy replied, ‘The flea.’ ?What flea’? asked the teacher. The boy then responded repeating the Bible verse, "Take Mary and Jesus and flea to Egypt." he said. "There's Mary, there's Jesus, and there's the flea."
Tony Deyal was last seen asking what did Adam say on the day before Christmas’ "It's Christmas, Eve."
