Wendel Abel
ONE MORNING a frantic teacher called me. She works in an inner-city school and is overwhelmed by the number of children who have lost family members. The loss may be due to violent death by the gun, tragic death by accidents or from divorce, migration or separation.
Children may also experience loss when their pet dies, through separation from friends or from change of residence or school. Children, like adults, are expected to grieve when they experience death and loss. They should be allowed to grieve.
PHASES OF GRIEVING
Grief is the psychological response in survivors of loss. Children may pass through the following phases when they are grieving:
1. Protest - during this protest phase the child expresses strong desires for the person who has died and cries for the return of the loved one.
2. Despair - the child begins to realise that the person may never return. During this period he or she may cry regularly and may become withdrawn.
3. Detachment - the child begins to accept that the person may never return. During this phase there is renewed interest in his or her world.
DEALING WITH GRIEF
Grieving children may respond in one or more ways:
Acting-out behaviour: Some children display acting-out behaviour, such as fighting,
aggressive outburst, hostility or generally becoming restless.
Become withdrawn:
Other children may become quiet and withdrawn.
Regressive behaviour:
Some children may display regressive behaviour which includes any activities that the child used to do at an earlier age, such as bedwetting or thumb sucking.
Change in appetite:
In the early phases of grief children may experience a loss in appetite or begin to eat excessively.
Change in school performance:
Often grieving children have difficulty concentrating and focusing and may lose interest in their school activities. There may be a subsequent decline in school performance.
Reliving of the experiences:Children may often relive trauma; they may have bad dreams and nightmares of events they may have experienced.
F-A-C-E IT: TIPS TO HELP CHILDREN GRIEVE
Feelings: When persons are grieving they often feel sad and feel like crying. Remember, we all have a right to our feelings and we have a right to express these feelings. We do not like to encourage the expression of feelings in our culture. In fact, when grieving persons express their feelings, we discourage them and often tell them to be strong. That is completely wrong.
Encourage children to express their feelings. Provide opportunities for children to express their feelings such playing with toys, playing games, painting and listening to and singing songs. Play is important in children's life and we should encourage them to play out their feelings.
Advice: Offer advice to children who are experiencing grief. Use the opportunity to read stories to children of others who have had similar experiences. Reassure children that their experiences and feelings are real and that they will get over them.
Communication: Tell them the truth about what may have happened, although you do not have to relate all the details as this sometimes may be traumatic. Reassure that children know that it was not their fault as sometimes they will blame themselves.
Empathy: Show empathy and love. Offer the child comfort and reassurance. Parents are reminded to hug and kiss their children always but especially when they are going through difficult times. Do not run them away as this may be received as rejection.
Dr. Wendel Abel is a consultant psychiatrist and senior lecturer, University of the West Indies; email: yourhealth@gleanerjm.com.
