Ivret Williams
Dear: Counsellor,
I have a question for you and this is after I read an article in The Sunday Gleaner of March 5, 2006, the topic was THE AFFECTIONATE SPOUSE. Is there a slight possibility that someone in a relationship can give too much attention? And if so, can this harm the relationship? What can a person do to cut down on the amount of affection that he/she gives? If one in the relationship is not used to too much attention and the other person does it without realising, how does the "too attentive" one deals with it if it's something he/she is use to?
S.G
Dear: S.G.,
In answer to your first question, yes it is possible that an individual can give too much attention. If you are the one always calling, remembering the birthdays and anniversaries, always buying gifts then obviously there is imbalance in the relationship. The next question, can this harm the relationship? The person who is being 'too attentive' may become frustrated because their needs are not being met and this frustration will spill over into the relationship. The other person who has been basking in all the affection may not even be aware of your frustration. Think of a relationship like a cherished plant. Although you love the plant very much if you water it too much it will die and too much affection could smother the relationship.
What could a person do to cut down on the amount of affection he or she gives? Examine yourself. Some persons will use affection as a way to control and when the other has 'slipped out of line' may point out how ungrateful the other person is in light of all they have done. An individual with low self-esteem will lavish affection on others in the hope of receiving affection in return. Do you feel inferior in any way, to the other person so to make up for it you are extremely affectionate and by extension you are paying for the relationship? If a person is not used to too much attention, this person may not know how to respond at first, however with coaching that person may learn to reciprocate. If you believe that you are being too attentive and for every attentive action there is not an equal and opposite attentive reaction, pull back. If you keep giving attention and only receiving diminishing marginal returns, cut back. Cut down on the amount of phone calls. If you are the only one remembering birthdays, stop. You deserve as much affection and attention as the other person.
My wife does
her own thing
Dear: Counsellor,
I need your advice. I have been married but I believe the marriage is not working. After 10 years we cannot see 'eye-to-eye' although we have two children. Living in the USA (4 years) has its challenges but I do not think it is any easier than being in Jamaica. Because she was earning she is transformed into this financial dictator so there is constant/endless arguments about financial matters. All things agreed upon are unilaterally changed by my wife. Example, before the lease on the place we lived ended she made a decision and I only knew days before we got evicted. Also she just invites people, mostly relatives (from Jamaica) to our house without any discussion or even mentioning that they will be coming to stay for weeks or even months. Another thing, she does not want any physical relationship. I really do not care because whether you agree or not I have been seeing other people in this regards (from we were in Jamaica). I will definitely not stay much longer "because of the children" but I know other couples who are facing the same problem.
Sam
Dear: Sam,
Your marriage is plagued with power struggles, infidelity, financial conflicts and a leadership problem. There does not seem to be a consensus in the things that are being done. Unfortunately, you seemed to have made up your mind that you will not be staying in the relationship. If anything can be salvaged from the relationship I would recommend that you both go and see a counsellor.
Email Ivret Williams at letstalkrelationships@yahoo.com
