Wendel Abel
MEN CHEAT for a number of reasons. He is in a long-distance relationship; the current relationship has become routine, unhappy, unsastisfying and lacking in passionate sex; he feels powerless, unappreciated, not valued and unloved; he has a low self-esteem, feels unattractive and craves for attention and love from other women.
There are other reasons too: a need for excitement, adventure and challenge; a behaviour learnt from his father and other men; he is addicted to cheating and sex and gets a thrill from secret affairs or a variety of sex; he is sexy, good looking and always pursued by women; he may be selfish, totally in love with himself and lacking in feelings toward his partner.
HOW DO WOMEN REACT?
Women react to cheating in many ways. She feels hurt, rejected, betrayed, powerless and tortured. She may have a desire to get back at him by cheating. Other women enter into denial or prefer not to know. She may become suspicious, distrustful, nagging, accusatory, insecure and always spying on him. Many women struggle with the pain and embarrassment of cheating in order to keep a man, for economic reasons, for religious reasons, for the sake of the children, or because the man is kind or a good provider.
Do all married men who cheat leave their wives? Research has shown that the majority of married men who cheat do not leave their wives.
SOME SIGNS OF CHEATING
1. Change in sexual behaviour - no desire for sex, demanding new sexual techniques.
2. Change in emotional reaction - angry toward you, withdrawn and distanced, insensitive attitudes.
3. Change in lifestyles -increased spending and unusual or secretive spending; secretive behaviour; new tastes in clothes and dressing, not taking you out especially to certain places; staying out late, spending more time away from home and supposedly spending more time on the job.
4. Strange telephone habits - erasing your voice mail; private about telephone calls; not answering the phone or speaking in your presence; lowering voice when on a call; having additional telephones.
5. Computer habits - secretive use of computers, secret emails, visiting singles only sites.
DEALING WITH CHEATING
1. Trust your instincts. Many times your gut feelings are right about your partner.
2. Dealing with feelings. You have a right to feel the pain, the hurt and the anger.
3. Set boundaries. Be clear to your partner as to how much you will tolerate.
4. Be careful about taking responsibility for the cheating. Be careful in accepting the blame. No one has to cheat, it is a choice.
5. Consider your options. To stay or go! Make a decision if you are able to live with an unfaithful partner.
6. Communicate. Improve your communication, try to resolve difficulties and rebuild your relationship. Make compromises if necessary.
7. Seek professional help early. To deal with the emotional issues, to resolve differences, to explore your options, to reconstruct your life, to rebuild the relationship or to facilitate communication. Many times you may not be able to do it alone.
8. Consider the consequences. Ending a relationship leads to emotional, social and financial consequences; it affects children, other family members and friends.
9. Take care of yourself. Try to regain your balance and self control. Avoid doing things to hurt your partner or taking actions that you may regret. Many individuals reinvest in their lives by returning to school or focusing on their jobs. Pursue your hobbies and personal interests. Building new friendships boosts self esteem. Many persons build more fulfilling lives by learning to love themselves and taking care of themselves.
You deserve to be happy; make that decision that is important for you.
Dr. Wendel Abel is a consultant psychiatrist and senior lecturer, University of the West Indies; email: yourhealth@gleanerjm.com.
