Dear Counsellor:

I HAVE been dating this guy for the past eight months and sometimes I wonder about him. I have told him many things about my family and myself and he is so secretive.

Sometimes when I pump him for information, he may get upset. I have spoken to a friend of mine who says he may be hiding something. Sometimes I believe and at other times I am confused. I need your advice.

- Toni

Dear Toni:

You may be tempted to judge the person prematurely, but before you do so, let's talk.

First and foremost, women in relationships will disclose intimate and general information more readily than men.

In a situation in which both disclose equal amounts of information, the content is usually different.

Men will talk about their strengths and their achievements and conceal their weaknesses. They will have a difficulty talking about their pain. Women, on the other hand, are verbally inclined.

Let me add, however, that one can self-disclose through their actions. So although he is not giving you much personal information, what is he doing?

This phrase springs to mind, 'what you do speaks so loudly that I cannot hear what you are saying'.

Examine the way he treats you; he is self-disclosing through his actions.

The alternate view to all of this, however, is that he could be hiding something that if you knew, would be detrimental to the relationship.

He might have gotten upset because you might have been bombarding him with one question after another and anyone would take offence to that.

I would advise that you write down all the things you would like to know about him and ask these questions in piecemeal.

If there will be a future for this relationship, it is necessary for you both to have an open palm.

The relationship will be frustrating if one person has an open palm and the other a closed fist.

Dear Counsellor:

I have been dating this guy for the past four years and we have a good relationship. A week ago, he said he had something special to tell me and so he took me to a very nice restaurant.

After the dinner, he asked me to move in with him. I tried to hide my disappointment and told him that I would think about it. I thought he was going to propose marriage. Cohabitation was never in my mind. What should I do?

- Sherie

Dear Sherie:

Obviously this was not an area of discussion in your discourses over the past four years. If you have such a good relationship, your situation begs the question, is he afraid to commit?

Then again, some persons may see cohabitation as a form of commitment.

Granted that there has been a radical shift where values are concerned, but you need to know what are his feelings concerning marriage.

He might be from a family where marriage was not very important and so he was socialised that way.

He might have friends who are living together and have a wonderful relationship while others who are married, live like 'puss and dawg'.

If you believe in marriage and he does not, then there will be frustration as you may try to change his mind by doing things to convince him that you both should get married.

I think it is important for him to know where you stand concerning cohabitation.

There is no guarantee that he may change his mind from cohabitation to marriage but at least he is aware of where you stand.

If he is interested in the relationships and loves you 'to death', then the formality of getting married should not be a hard one for him.