Sidney McGill
SHANIKA USED to be an inquisitive and happy 10-year-old girl. Everyone adored her because she was the youngest and only girl of three children. She was the centre of attention until her parents separated and later got divorced. Her daddy moved out of the house to live with another woman. At first, he called her everyday, but after a few weeks, the calls dwindled down to once per week.
Shanika became depressed because of the sense of rejection that came over her. Her mother tried to make up for her inattentive father. She took her shopping and brought her favourite ice cream home on weekends, but Shanika wanted more. She wanted her old life back with father poking fun at her and hugging her mother when the stress of everyday life got too burdensome.
Children in broken homes are emotionally vulnerable. They have different ways of expressing their grief over the separation of their parents. Depending on their personality some will openly grieve the absence of their father, while others will internalise or deny their mourning. To avoid problem behaviours and the deterioration of their school grades, there are a few things that parents/caregivers should do:
1 - Don't panic. Be the least anxious presence around the children. Pray about your situation and trust God to take you through. The best is yet to come!
2 - Prepare the children for the parent's exit by having a family meeting. Explain to them in general terms why the relationship between you and your spouse has changed.
Get a discussion going. Ask them how they feel about it and give honest replies to their questions.
3 - Affirm and reassure them. Let them know how essential and loveable they are, and that they are not responsible for the deterioration of the relationship between parents.
4 - Look out for increased irritability and fights between siblings. Pay more attention to them, especially at bed time.
5 - Try to maintain their routine without making too many changes.
6 - They should have access to the absent parent but, if this is not possible, use a parent figure they already know to carry out some of the responsibilities of the absent parent.
7 - Check in regularly at school to find out how each child is performing academically and behaviourally.
8 - Take your family out together on weekdays and holidays. If you notice that one child seems to be taking it harder than the rest, you should take that child outside the home to talk about his or her thoughts.
9 - Do not start up another romantic relationship, at least for the first year of your spouse's departure.
10 - Never say anything bad about your ex-spouse. He or she will always be their parent.
11 - Get counselling to deal with your own anger and disappointment. Discuss all of your concerns and focus on rebuilding your self-esteem and self-image.
I do not recommend that grieving spouses have sexual intercourse, especially during the first three months of the separation. The first few months after the separation is a time to focus your energies on ensuring that the scars of the separation are minimised. Getting into another sexual relationship may add diversion and increase your sense of worth and fun temporarily, but another romantic relationship can distract you from the task at hand and delay your grieving process.
Find other ways to reduce your anxieties such as aerobic exercises or walking briskly in the mornings. Shanika (and the other children) are very vulnerable at this stage. You should reduce your extra curricula activities in order to give them some of the attention that they are missing.
Dr. Sidney McGill is a marriage and family therapist and executive director, Family
Counselling Centre of Jamaica, St. Ann; email: yourhealth@gleanerjm.com.
