Ivret Williams
EVER SO often persons get married with the intention of changing aspects of their partner as soon as they have 'settled down.' One partner feels comfortable believing that he or she is accepted for 'better or for worse' until the ink has dried on the marriage contract.
After that, the other person begins to pick at all the areas of person they do not like. And they begin to bombard them to change. This sometimes come as a shock to the other person who felt that they were accepted for who they were. Sometimes the person will jokingly say. 'Just wait until we are married.' There is a lyric from the Broadway musical Guys and Dolls that says 'Marry the man today and change his ways tomorrow'. One must admit that if one loves someone, one want the best for that person and you want that person to be the best that he or she can be. However, whatever changes may be necessary must meet the approval of the other person. The person may not be adept at social graces so you may need to put some finishing touches on the product, but you should not pressure the person to make such major changes that may turn the person into a different person.
PHYSICAL ATTRACTION
A woman who is shy and reserved may become attracted to a man who is very outgoing and charismatic. During courtship he may try to get her involved socially and she may comply. After they get married she may resort to her old behaviour as she may not be comfortable socialising. This may result in her pressuring him to adopt her lifestyle and become a homebody like herself. He may comply for a while, then his true nature takes over and he resumes his erstwhile lifestyle. His life may become miserable as she may nag 'the living daylights out of him' to get him to conform. If he, becomes resistant to her demands, the relationship will hit a snag as she will argue that he is now married and his life style should change. She will refuse to budge as she sees her spouse as being the problem. If they decide to go for counselling, she will project the blame onto the spouse claiming that if only he would change, everything would be all right. If, initially, he had had any misgivings concerning the effect his outgoing ways might have had on the relationship, then they could have discussed it and come up with a compromise. However, he might have been made to feel that there was no problem with his lifestyle.
Then there is the case of the non-Christian marrying the Christian. He knows that she does not go to parties and movies and he claims to be quite comfortable with that. He promises to go to church and be supportive of her. However, after they are married he goes to church once and the woman becomes obsessed with trying to get him to go to church with her. When that does not work, she spends hours on her knees begging God to 'save him'. He, however, may feel that he is not ready for such a commitment and will get angry whenever he feels that he is being pressured by the members of her church. On the flip side, the man may try to coerce the woman to go to parties with him and she doesn't. Finally he ends up having an outside relationship, blaming his wife for his behaviour, claiming that he did it because she would not go out with him.
CHARACTER FLAWS
There are times when the person will see obvious character flaws and instead of facing them, the person will shrug his or her shoulders, turn a blind eye comforting himself that as soon as he or she gets married, he or she will start the process of changing the individual. It does not work! Granted that we are not 'perfect in every way' yet it is deceptive to marry someone knowing that as soon as the ink dries on the certificate your express purpose will be to change everything you can about them to mould him or her into the person you want him or her to be. The woman may say that if the man changes, she would be a more loving spouse. The man on the other hand may deny the need for counselling saying there is nothing wrong with him, claiming that if she changes, everything will be all right. If your partner asks you to be a different person, remind him or her that he or she chose you from the rest because of who you were and not who he or she wanted you to be.
Ivret Williams is a counselling psychologist. Send enquiries and comments to letstalkrelationships @yahoo.com Check the Saturday Gleaner for the answers that Ivret Williams has for the questions you ask about your relationships.
