Heather Little-White, Ph.D., Contributor

Contrary to popular belief, men, like women, have special requirements in order for them to enjoy good sex. A 21-year-old man speaking on the matter said, "It doesn't seem right. I know women need fuzzy feelings, the right atmosphere, and appropriate kinds of stimulation. But guys aren't supposed to be like that. We're supposed to be able to get up and go to it regardless of anything."

Men have been stereotyped as having a fantasy model of sex. It presumes that men should participate in and enjoy sex without any special requirements. However, men do have requirements so that they men perform better and enjoy sex to the maximum. As with any job or task, conditions apply. In a sexual situation, a condition is anything which makes you feel more comfortable, more confident, more excited and more open to the sexual encounter.

Conditions

What are some of these conditions that men wish their women would consider?

Men enjoy having sex with someone they know very well. They will engage in casual sex with someone whom they have just met but the enjoyment leaves much to be desired. Men are also conscious about HIV/AIDS and will pass on one-night stands and casual affairs as a safety measure.

For better sex, men want to be in certain frames of mind, to be mentally stimulated and to hold positive feelings about themselves and their partners. Some men get turned off by 'no-brainers', women who cannot converse on topics that are stimulating to them.

Men like to be regarded as 'flesh and blood' with feelings, anxieties and emotions that make them vulnerable in the same way that women are. This debunks the fantasy model of sex and our stereotyping of masculinity.

Men are not sexual robots or well-oiled machines and will have down times when sexual intercourse is not foremost on their minds. In other words, men do not want to be anxious about sexual performance. Men want to know that they will not be ostracised if sex does not go as well as it should.

The actions and reactions of men to their partners affect their physical functioning. For example, a man may not be able to have an erection because he feels that his woman does not care for him.

As men age, their sexual experience may suffer due to job stress which may affect the automatic functioning of the body. Men need to pay attention to this problem as soon as it starts before it becomes a permanent dysfunction.

Foreplay

Just as women enjoy foreplay, men also want foreplay before sex. Women expect the men to do it to them but men appreciate women who take the time to know what stimulates them before sexual penetration. According to a 35-year-old husband, "I had to teach my wife that hugs and kisses, including to the genitals, was critical my sexual performance. Now we mutually stimulate each other in foreplay."

In the fantasy sex model, it is assumed that men are immediately excited about sex, and that their penises are always ready for action. This is more a reality for adolescents, but as men reach in their 50s and 60s, they require direct stimulation of the genitals to help with the erection and to stay hard. This is natural if you understand how the human anatomy works.

Beginning

A 42-year-old man, in expressing delight after his first sexual encounter with his wife, (now married for 10 years) said, 'To be turned on sexually is one of the greatest feelings in the world. It is even better than climaxing because climaxing is just that. It comes at the end but the sexual turn-on is where it starts and that makes me feel alive and well."

In reality, men want to be treated as special and to be given consideration to their needs and desires as humans. Men want sex to be an experience that will make them feel better about themselves on the journey to self-actualisation. Sex for men and their partners should be a spiral of greater and greater passion.