Yvonnie Bailey- Davidson

Dear Counsellor:

I am divorced and have two children from that relationship. Unfortunately, I am not able to see my children as I would like. I am very distressed about this.

- Ronald

Dear Ronald:

It is a stress when a parent cannot see his children. Many times the parents are angry at each other because of the divorce. Children are used as pawns in the disputes. Sometimes the children are deliberately kept away from an ex-spouse as part of the punishment. It is made difficult sometimes for the non-custodial parent to have much interaction with the children. You need to consult with your lawyer about your rights with respect to the children. In a divorce, custody of the children may be shared or limited to only one parent. Parents need their children and children need both their parents. Parents give children a sense of belonging, attachment and security.

Children need both their mother and father. It is very important that the parents try to be on their best behaviour for the benefit of their children. Whenever there is an absent parent, the child may begin searching for that parent and become unhappy about their situation. Sometimes children may not understand the implications of a divorce and as a result they always hope for a reunion of both parents.

Since recent times one can communicate with one's children directly or by writing a letter, sending emails or calling via the telephone or cellular phones. If distance is an issue, then there are other means of getting involved.

It can be painful to a parent if they are unable to be involved in their children's life. The custodial parent should try to keep the other parent up to date on the activities, achievements and behaviour of the children. I know that divorce is adversarial but for the interest of the children, the parents should try to be amicable with each other. Too often the disputes continue after the legal separation. Sometimes it is advisable to get a third party as mediator for the situation.

Persistence and encouragement from your family and friends will help you to deal with the issues.

Stepchildren

Dear Counsellor:

I am getting married to a divorced man. He has three children from the previous marriage. My concern is about the impact of these children on my marriage and the influence of the ex-wife.

- Yvette

Dear Yvette:

Marriage is a challenge and where there are stepchildren this is even more so. Remarriage is a popular option these days so there is an increase in the blended families and stepfamilies. You need to discuss the issue of the children before the marriage. Is your husband to be the custodial parent? If he is, then you will have an instant family. Having an instant family is a challenge as you have to get used to the children and you have now become their guardian.

The challenges will vary depending on the age of the children. Teenagers are more challenging than toddlers. Sometimes the older children don't like their stepmother and can make life miserable for her. The involvement of the father is very important as he has to discipline his children and act as referee in the dispute.

Each party should set goals and targets to ensure that there is pleasantness in the family. One of the tasks for any family is to rear children to be productive, useful and empathic to others. With both parties discussing the issues and having common goals, then the challenges will be dealt with.

Stepfamilies can be good and nurturing if all members pull together. The ex-wife will be in the picture because of the children. Your husband will be the one who will interface with the mother of the children.

It is always wise to seek counselling to deal with these issues.

Dr Yvonnie Bailey-Davidson 978-8602, 791-1778 yvonniebd@hotmail.com