Ivret Williams

Dear Counsellor:

I am not married but currently involved in a relationship for the past seven months. I have not had a relationship for years because I was simply afraid to get involved and to trust men. I have not given up though. I also do not have close friends because every time I seem to get hurt by them.

I do not know if perhaps there is something wrong with me, but I just have not found any friend to be true to me as I would to him or her.

Since I have been in this relationship, I have found that I am very reliant on the friendship to carry me through. It is as if there is no one else around. I have realised that I need to have a life outside of the relationship so I wouldn't be as dependent on my male friend for companionship.

My loneliness just never seems to end. Sometimes, I feel that no one will ever really understand what I experience. It affects me badly sometimes because it causes me to feel scared and not want to move forward. It's as if I am frozen in my tracks.

Even in my relationship I know there are times when I could do more, but I withhold. Do you think I need counselling?

- Worried

Dear Worried:

We are the product of our socialisation. Erikson theorises that from very early we decide whether or not we can trust the world. The theory is that children who received their feeding at ad hoc times or who were allowed to cry for long periods developed mistrust for the world.

So although there may be persons whose friendship you may crave, there is that part of you telling you that people are inherently not trustworthy. Also, the persons in your environment might have convinced you, based on their experiences, that people are not worth trusting and you should isolate yourself.

Let me say that there are good people and there are wicked persons in the world. That's our reality. It, therefore, becomes necessary for you to take your time before you reveal your heart.

Also, although your friend may be a wonderful guy, it is important for you to develop a level of independence. To use that relationship as your only source of emotional release will put a burden on the relationship, especially in light of the fact that the relationship is so young. It could help you to get professional help to deal with your 'trust' issues.

Making love vs having sex

Dear Counsellor:

I would be grateful for some help. I would like to know the difference between 'having sex' and 'making love'. Is there a difference?

Another question is: What are the responsibilities of a man and a woman in a relationship if they are not married but have been together for almost three years?

- Sherica

Dear Sherica:

Having sex is an act based on the desire for self-fulfilment. Making love is a process which could be compared to preparing a good meal. And every good cook (yours truly included) will tell you that preparing a good meal takes time.

The meat that is seasoned early in the morning will be more enjoyable than the one that got five minutes of seasoning. The meat that is cooked over a tender flame is tastier than the one cooked hurriedly on a hot flame.

In answering your second question, there are no hard-and-fast rules relating to relationships. Every relationship is unique and comes with its own issues. It is important that there is free communication in every relation-ship so that you can share with your partner the things that please you and 'listen' with both your ears and with your eyes to determine the things that will please your partner.

I consider every relationship an investment (emotionally, physi-cally, spiritually, financially), and any investment that is not giving good returns should be analysed critically to determine its effectiveness.

Ivret Williams is a counselling psychologist. Email letstalk relationships@yahoo.com.