Glenda Simms, Contributor

On the evening of Valentine's Day Miss Mattie, Maas George and Hottie-Hottie arrived at the veranda of the One-Stop-Shop in the village one hour before the rest of the usual crowd.

This early arrival was strategically planned so that Miss Mattie could give an overview of why she had spent 40 days, since the last gathering, in total seclusion. Hottie-Hottie could not wait to hear the reasons behind the elder's strange behaviour, and Maas George had his own ideas about why women behave in such unusual ways after the Christmas season.

Knowing how curious her two best friends were, Miss Mattie sought to put a lid on their inquiring, interfering and rumour-mongering imagination. She explained that every woman who has lived for more than eight decades has a right to be as "weird as a bed bug". That is why she chose to cut her links with all human beings for almost 40 days. She argued that she deserves to have uninterrupted time to talk to her God, to maximise the knowledge held in her long-term memory and to communicate with her dogs and her goats.

She reminded Maas George and Hottie that she keeps the animals inside her little house and let them out at intervals to search for food and water. She also explained that her animals were instrumental in keeping her close to her God. She recalled what happened to her during the last big hurricane.

In the middle of that eventful night when the fierce winds threatened to rip off her roof and doors, her ram goat escaped and disappeared in the dark fury of wind and rain.

Miss Mattie said she prayed passionately to God that night and asked him tokeep her ram goat safe and God answered her prayers because hers was the only ram goat in the village that survived the wrath of the storm.

Motivation

It is this event that motivates her to spend quality time with animals each year. Hottie-Hottie came to the conclusion that Miss Mattie is not quite right in the head and she whispered her concerns about the old lady's state of mind to Maas George. This was Hottie's first New Year's mistake.

Maas George shouted in his squeakiest voice, "Hottie, Miss Mattie is not mad. She is merely eccentric." Miss Mattie decided to ignore her friends' preoccupation with her mental state. She quickly changed the topic and suggested that they share with each other the New Year's resolutions that they made at the beginning of this Year of the Pig.

Maas George declared that he has strengthened his resolve not to eat pork and he also made a resolution to find a nice lady to get married and settle down before his 80th birthday, which will be in August.

At the end of Maas George's resolution list Miss Mattie ordered a double white rum on the rocks, rolled her eyes and inquired of Maas George where he expects to find a woman who would want to marry him.

The old fellow thought about this for a moment and pulled himself up to his five foot eight stature and said in his best Sunday voice, "Miss Mattie do not take me for granted. I might be old but I am certainly not cold."

Hottie-Hottie smiled broadly and reminded Miss Mattie that the good folks of these mountain ranges believe that "every hoe has its stick in the bush". Miss Mattie was still a bit doubtful about Maas George's New Year's resolution and she decided to listen to Hottie's plans for 2007.

Hottie announced that her resolution was to become a productive and successful young farmer just like the 19-year-old young woman from St. Mary whose story was carried in The Gleaner, earlier this year. To this end, Hottie has shedded her false fingernails. She realises that a farmer needs the full use of her 10 fingers.

She has been wondering about the blonde wig, but decided to keep this feature of her 'virtual' self. Hottie pointed out to her friends that she has already started to plant red peas, sweet peppers and tomatoes. She was excited about the sprouting of the seedlings, but was very concerned about the post Christmas period of drought. In spite of this annual problem, Hottie flicked the blonde strands from her face and thanked the Good Lord for all his blessings since the New Year.

She was getting on

Maas George congratulated Hottie on her resolution to be more focused on her farming activities and less concerned with her false talons and her blonde wig. As a matter of fact, the old man went on to suggest that Hottie might just find a nice young man to settle down with. He reminded her that she was getting on. She is almost 22 years old.

This suggestion was one that forced Hottie to dig deep into her "bag of retorts". She gritted her teeth, flared her nostrils and in her most seductive voice said to Maas George, "You should concentrate on finding the all-purpose woman that you are searching for because as you get older you will need nursing, cooking, cleaning and breadwinning services." Maas George did not respond because he has always acknowledged that Hottie is a sensible girl and she just might have some ideas about life.

Miss Mattie used the brief silence to introduce the main planks of her resolutions for 2007. She leaned against the shop walls, lifted her rum glass and in her best church voice declared that she is committed to becoming a political organiser, a regular church-goer and a dance teacher. Her first political action will be the encouragement of all the district citizens who have reached the voting age to get enumerated. She plans to round them up and find someone to transport them to the electoral office in Junction.

Maas George wondered why Miss Mattie is bothering with these political matters at her age. Miss Mattie was proud to inform him that the only power poor people can exercise is the power of their vote and 2007 is an election year.

Hottie-Hottie confessed that she has never been enumerated and she will be assisting Miss Mattie in her political work and will encourage all her young friends to make the trip to Junction. Miss Mattie was very happy to find support for her ideas. She suggested that Hottie will be her assistant in the political work and Maas George could consider accompanying her to church on Sunday mornings and she will personally teach the dance lessons.

There was no objection to this plan. Miss Mattie took a big swig of her white rum on the rocks and exclaimed, "This will be a great Year of the Pig!"

Glenda P. Simms is a gender expert and consultant.