Ivret Williams

Dear Counsellor:

I was in a three-year relationship which was characterised by cheating, with the guy having one affair after another. Eventually the relationship ended, and I moved on.

The problem I am having is that I am finding it difficult to trust the guy in the new relationship he says he is faithful, I am very suspicious of him. I question him all the time in an effort to 'trip him up'.

Although he says he loves me very much and would never cheat, I still remember the other relationship in which I had heard all of that. What can I do to get over that pain and start trusting again because my present boyfriend gets annoyed with me.

- Maureen

Dear Maureen:

Many victims of infidelity get stuck for years in the pit of evaluation and self-condemnation, indignation and anger. When one has been hurt by an unfaithful partner, one's trust is shaken, and unfortunately this distrust will be levelled at the new partner in one's life. Each person is seen as potentially unfaithful. And many times, there is the constant search for clues to validate one's fears.

Maureen, forgiveness is the key to letting go and moving on. This sometimes is easier said than done. You may have to do this gradually, forgiving the person one offence at a time. However, for your benefit this must be done, or you will be stuck and will find it difficult to move on.

Also, do not judge an individual based on the experience of the past. Judge each person on his own merit or demerit. Keep your eyes wide open in the relationship, but do not go foraging for clues to determine if the person is cheating. You may destroy a potentially good relationship because of your suspicious nature. Take each relationship one day at a time and one step at a time. If the person is deceptive, time will tell.

My boyfriend is hot-tempered

Dear Counsellor:

I am asking for your advice in dealing with a problem. I find that whenever my boyfriend and I have a quarrel, he becomes very aggressive. He has hit me once and I told him that if he hits me again I am going to the police. He will get angry and slam the door and shout.

After it is over, he will say how sorry he is, but the same thing will happen again. I need your advice.

- Marie

Dear Marie:

An individual may have residual anger as a result of abuse experienced as a child. Unfortunately, this anger will not go away just like that; something will trigger it and he will pounce.

Some may also have hostility toward women. This hostility may have been developed in the home in which the father was absent. The mother (or mother figure) tries to compensate for the absence of the father by playing either a dominant role or a smothering role.

Unfortunately, the more dominant the mother is, the greater the boy's hostility becomes towards her. In adulthood, the boy's anger and hostility may be projected towards the women in their lives. This anger and hostility may surface whenever there is a conflict. The man may feel that what he says is law and, as such, there should be no disagreement.

If their partner disagrees or is critical in any way, the personbecomes offensive or even abusive. Marie, I would advise that you encourage your boyfriend to see a trained counsellor who will help him to deal with his anger. You deserve to be treated with respect; shouting and screaming show immaturity and lack of self-control.

Ivret Williams is a counselling psychologist. Email letstalkrelationships@yahoo.com.