Ivret Williams

Dear Counsellor:

I am 50 years old and I got married two years ago. My husband is five years younger. I was never married before, but he was. My problem is that sometimes I do not feel like having sex and it is affecting our relationship.

I am experiencing menopause and I think that is what is affecting my sexual desire. It also makes me irritable and this is causing problems in the relationship because I will snap at my husband for no particular reason. There are times when I feel like I am sorry that I got married.

Recently I told my husband that I did not think that it was working out. He did not answer me at the time, but I think he is thinking about it. I need your advice.

Pat

Dear Pat:

Getting married for the first time at 50 is a challenge in and of itself. At this stage in your life, you will have to learn to live with a partner and learn to adjust to being a team player instead of living on your own and doing what pleases you.

Added to this challenge is menopause. This is a challenging time for many persons due to the different experiences that they go through. Your sex life would be affected because of the hormonal changes which will affect your sexual desire. Physical changes may also create problems when you are having sex.

Pat, at this time you may be feeling overwhelmed and may be regretting your decision to get married. I would advise that you not only see a doctor to deal with the physical changes relating to menopause but see a counsellor to address the psychological effects of menopause. It would be good for both of you to go together so that your spouse could be informed to help you deal with the situation.

Neglecting my needs

Dear Counsellor:

I am having a problem with my live-in boyfriend. The reason? He hardly takes me anywhere with him, and whenever he does, it is after we have quarrelled and he is trying to make up. I am getting tired of it. He is always out with his friends and coming in late.

Whenever I talk to him about it, he claims that he works hard and needs to enjoy his life. I have seen some changes in his behaviour which I do not like. Whenever I talk to him about it, he claims that it is my imagination. I need your advice.

Faye

Dear Faye:

I am the first to tell persons that their partners will need others in their lives. I am also the first to say that there are 'friends' who will inveigle your spouse to lead a life that is detrimental to your relationship, and some men are too blind to see what is happening.

They may get caught up in the fun of it, not realising how it is affecting the relationship. I have known of friends who have created havoc in very solid relationships. So do not be blinded by the word 'friend', as not every 'friend' in your life means you well.

My advice is that you get to know his friends. Invite them to your home, then you will get to know the sort of persons they are and how much influence they have over him. Also, let him know how you feel about not going out. Every healthy relationship has a social component.

■ Ivret William is a counselling psychologist. Email letstalkrelationships@yahoo.com.