Ivret Williams

Dear Counsellor:

I need your advice. I am a 33-year-old female and consider myself to be attractive. My friends, however, see a problem with my behaviour. According to them, I keep moving from one relationship to another.

It may be true, but to be honest, if I am in a relationship and it's not working out, I will move on to another. They have a problem with that. Is there anything wrong with my behaviour?

- Marva

Dear Marva:

One could justify your actions by saying that there are certain things a person looks for in a relationship.

But how many relationships do you need to go through before you find what you are looking for? And how long do you stay in a relationship before you discover that this is not the one for me?

I do not encourage persons to stay in a relationship that is not mutually satisfying, but have you stayed in a relationship long enough to prove its worth?

One must admit that from a societal perspective your behaviour could colour an individual's perception of you, leading to a negative impression. Persons may rush from one relationship into another not realising the impact it may be having on others looking on.

If a relationship is not working out and you are forced to move on, take the time to analyse the reasons for its demise before moving on. We must be cognisant of the fact that we impact others with our lives whether knowingly or unknowingly. Ensure that your impact is positive.

Dad dilemma

Dear Counsellor:

I got married six months ago. I have two boys, aged 12 and 14 years. My problem is that my husband wants them to call him dad and they see no need to do so, saying that he is not their father.

Their father is fairly involved in their lives, but my husband feels that since he is in part taking care of them (we live at his house), they should call him dad.

He does not have any children and I cannot have any more children. They are quite respectful to him, but insist that they will not call him dad. They call him Mr. ...

This sometimes creates a strain on our relationship. Before we were married, it was not a problem because we were not living together. What should I do?

- Dawn

Dear Dawn:

It may be a bit difficult for your sons to call your husband dad. If they were younger, then the transition would have been easier. As it is, to do so now, may not be so easy for them.

With each passing day, this conflict could escalate and conflict left unattended does not go away. You are faced with a dilemma because the situation may force you to take sides.

If you side with your husband against your sons, they may never forgive you, and if you side with your sons against your husband, it could be the end of your marriage.

I do not know if you had any pre-marital counselling before you got married, but many times, persons do not realise the extent of the conflicts that could arise as a result of two families coming together. In pre-marital counselling, some of the issues could have been sorted out as your husband and the boys would have expressed their expectations.

To settle this conflict, I would recommend that as a family you go for counselling. A compromise may be the best solution. Please do not ignore the conflict as it may have devastating consequences on your sons and on the marriage.

Email Ivret Williams at ivretwilliams@yahoo.com.