Beverley East, Contributor

I really opened a Pandora's Box two weeks ago when I wrote about my situation with my ailing mum. The emails came pouring in, people came up to me in the supermarket, at receptions, even in a restaurant to tell me how they felt. I'll share some of the comments with you. Every now and again I seem to hit a nerve. This subject rings home loud and clear.

Dear Ms. East:

I am so delighted to read your column this morning on ailing and ageing parents, at least I am reminded that I am not alone in this struggle. I believe because of my Christian upbringing the Bible teaching "honour thy mother and thy father ... " has haunted me for as long as I can remember in that I always try to do the right thing by them. My father is very independent and lives abroad so it is my mom who is my full responsibility and concern.

I don't want to discount what the others have written but I smile and think they don't realise how good they have got it - 1) to have mothers/parents who have their own homes and 2) who insist on being independent. They ought to count their blessings.

My situation is somewhat different. My mother (I call her privately the queen bee, because of her mentality of wanting to be served and catered to. She sincerely believes and has said that God provided children to take care of their parents ... I call me her 'pension plan'.) I think believed that she would be young and beautiful forever as she worked as little as she possibly could have got away with and married just with the hope of having someone to take care of her and, therefore, has such a meagre pension that it cannot even be used for pocket money.

Of course, her husband cannot even help himself, so he could not help her either. She left him and was struggling in less than habitable conditions. Needless to say, I had to pick up the pieces. I have one sister who couldn't care les she is my mother's favourite, so it is just me. I must add, my mother was not one of those who went the extra mile for her children, she was pretty much a prima donna so that makes it that much harder to give back, knowing she didn't do all she could for her children, yet somehow thinks she is entitled to be 'honoured'.

Forgiveness is a blessing

Anyway, forgiveness has been a blessing for her because that is the only way I can help her without ending up with a tumour in my chest from anger, hurt and pain. I have forgiven her, but I need to care for her differently. In her defence, she wasn't a complete ogre. She insisted that we go to church and do our homework and she cared for us when we were sick, and beat us a lot. (I got most of them and in the worst ways). I should probably hate her but I don't.

A major part of the problem is that my mother is not 80 or 86; she happens to be 65 going on 100. She is not a vibrant, active 65. She is this helpless, sleepy, lazy 65 who expects the world, not just her children to cater to her. This is what makes it so scary for me because I know that she does not plan to go anywhere any time soon. So does that mean I may have another 20 years of being her full and only caregiver?

I have prayed and cried and cried some more just trying to figure out what exactly my role is here as daughter in honouring my mother. The answer came by way of my aunt, her eldest sister who is a devout Christian. She told me that my mother is not my responsibility. She said that if and when I can help her then that is all I have to do. Of course, I was greatly relieved, but those years of being brainwashed do not go away that easily. To make matters worse, my mother is the greatest manipulator I know. She is the champion so believe me when I tell you it is a struggle.

Currently, she is living with me as she had some medical issues which are now attended to but I am very afraid that she has become so comfortable that she sees this living arrangement as permanent. I wonder if I told her I was plotting from I was 15 how to get away from her if she would understand why I don't plan to have her live with me for the next 20 years or more?! She has told me that she is going to bury me. She does not have one strand of gray hai I am getting to be a steady pepper and salt at the ripe age of 40 I have no kids to stress me. So her wish may just come true unless I make a different decision.

Why is it no matter how old we are our parents seem to have a 'hold' on us? Is it because we were taught to love, honour and respect them? Well, can't we do all of that at a distance? When I lived abroad, my mother behaved more independently. It was just her letters that left me in a deep, dark depression; all the 'sufferings' that she was going through I had to relive through her letters, never mind trying to manage my own struggle through college while working to keep a roof over my head - something which she was clearly unable to contribute to. But of course, she still expects so much. It is one of the main reasons I decided not to have children as I feared I would be to them a burden as my mother has been to me.

Take the bull by the horns

The solution: I believe we just have to take the bull by the horns. They know as well as we do it is NOT our responsibility but they don't let on about knowing it. We are NOT obligated to our parents. We had no say about coming into this world so why should we end up with that kind of responsibility?

They are responsible for providing for themselves in old age just as you and I are responsible for ourselves. We would be delighted that if we have "nice" children they'll visit us once in a while, but to put on the guilt trip to have children feel obligated into caring for their parents should be nothing short of a crime.

This is how strongly I feel and God knows my heart. I love my mother but I feel taken for granted and taken for a ride to clean up the life she chose for herself when I should be preparing for my own old age.

God bless you in your struggles with yours, I hope this will help others like myself to be free from parental 'bondage'.

Email me at writefully_yours@hotmail.com.

Dear Ms. East:

Wow! Reading your article has made my day. Nobody told me it would be this difficult to care for my 81 year-old mother. I am a new fifty year-old in a failed marriage (the man won't move out, he has had so many flings! unfaithful and wicked wretch! ). My dear mother who is a Christian lectures me daily that I cannot divorce him or he will kill us all. I don't think that God has any mercy left for me, I have told my mom so many Jamaican bad words out of sheer frustration and anger. If I knew it would be so hard, I would have ran away. I cannot get a date, my mother doesn't approve of it and she still thinks that I am a "likkle pissabed gal" bwoy when you talk about hard ears, and she is a strong tyrant who loves to have her own way, she must always be right and by the way did I mention that she is psychosomatic and a hypochondriac? She imagines she has every illness, and guess what, she is no fool. It took me at least some twenty years to realize that she has played and manipulated me into thinking that she was always sick and would die soon. All she has is high blood pressure, and arthritis, and the regular old age ills, she is not bad, but if I were not a trained guidance counsellor and studied psychology at its highest level I would not have found out. As children, it seems we can never win, we are always wrong they are always right.I have two children and I tell them put me in a little flat on one side of the house, but for my sake I hope that I will behave better than my mother. Kudos to you and all of us who hang in there with our parents. It is because of love, my greatest vexation is that when my mother was hale and hearty she was everybody's mother but now I have all the woes financial and other wise, but I still continue she has good days.

Keep up the good job, I keep praying for the good days.