Melville Cooke

'Three party but I'm not dancing'

- Buju Banton

Today, I am forming a new political party. To be more accurate, I am formalising an old party.

It is called the JNLP (Just Not Liking Politics) and it is the only viable third party in the history of this country. In fact, it is the real third party, the members of which the now defunct National Democratic Movement (NDM) tried to attract, but we were not fooled by Bruce's Damascus Road moment.

And we were right, as he merrily headed back to the greener side of the fence to hump the heifer of old loyalties when the old bull was retired.

The membership is the percentage of the eligible voters who choose not to vote, a significant chunk by any poll of the Stone, Bill Johnson or Don Anderson kind. In fact, it is bigger than that, as it also includes those of voting age who do not bother to get enumerated (being fingerprinted in an age when such lists can be bought and sold and seen on any scene is a very, very, very bad idea).

This party is defined by its dislike of politics and politicians and not defined by T-shirts, slogans, colours and scandals. Not that we do not have some interest in the political process, but we recognise the futility of swapping green dog for orange monkey (who are firm friends at the leadership level) every few years (Hmm. Well, the green hounds will call it more than a 'few years' and counting.)

We do not have a leader, so there is absolutely no possibility of she or he or he-she being co-opted through guns, spare parts and money, as Bob Marley put it in Ambush In The Night. We have no mandate for those with a vested interest in a political system where the offspring of two cousins fight for spoils but agree that said spoils must remain in said family to ridicule.

No offices, caretakers

We have no constituency offices and caretakers; we put our energy into taking care of ourselves, working damned hard so that we do not need handouts in return for loyalty to a colour until death and we lose our colour.

And we are very cynical about elections in general and specifically this one that is looming in front of us.

We will not have any mass meetings for the press to observe a sea of whatever colour or infiltrators to spy on. We will meet in spirit from your home, office, car, street corner or online in a communion of readership right in this space every Thursday until October or this column and its writer are discarded (whichever comes first), rain or shine. Our meetings will be marked by a lack of political discussion and that is my sole pledge to my fellow members of the JNLP. From hereafter until after thenext general election, we shall not mention the political process that is consuming the nation and will only intensify as the date approaches.

Although we are many in number, the media does not take us into consideration, as many a newscast and many a newspaper give priority to the latest utterances of politicians who regurgitate their on utterances and expect us to swallow them. It is a rare day when politics and gunshots (or a combination of both, if it is even a lip commitment to them not being a combination, this 30 years after they have been deeply entrenched as twins in the womb of a not quite newly-independent nation) are not given prime billing, even though the polls indicate that a huge chunk of the country is simply not interested.

'Dem no worry we'

But we naa mek dem force-feed we. We are like a baby that despises the formula of slogans and colours, lips firmly pressed against the invasion of the spoon. The breast is best, we say, so pop open the bra of opportunity that is not linked to politics, so we can slurp.

We do not expect to have an effect, much less effect change, even though we expect to be the majority when all the ballots have been tallied and the percentages calculated. But we will be sooooo satisfied that we have not helped 'X out' Jamaica's future.

And we have no time to sort out who is less harmful than the other, because we conclude that all a dem a Satan.

Member of the JNLP, see you next week.

'Me naa wear orange or green

Me a wear beige'

- Vybz Kartel