Ivret Williams

Dear Counsellor:

I have been in a relationship for the past three years and from a year ago it has been slowly going downhill. We are not married, but we live together. We have no children and I am not sure if I want to continue with this relationship.

When we started talking, everything was fantastic. I thought I had found my soulmate, but after we started living together, I began to see a different side to him. He says he has not changed, but I know he has. There were things that he used to do which he has stopped doing, and there are times when I feel that I am being taken for granted. We had talked about marriage and right now I am glad that we never got married because I would have been stuck. To be honest, I am contemplating leaving.

What do you think?

- Andrea

Dear Andrea:

What was it that attracted you to your partner? Many times, the very thing that attracts us is the very thing that repels us. It is ironic that your partner says that he has not changed. He may be right. You might have been so blinded by 'love' that you did not see some glaring faults. Or you might have seen them but felt that he would change or that the 'superwoman' you are could change him.

Let us not forget that when persons enter a new relationship, they exhibit their best behaviour. As they become more comfortable in the relationship, the mask is removed and the 'real self' is revealed. Unfortunately, the 'real self' many times is a far cry from the self that was presented at the start of the relationship.

Andrea, I hope you are not being picky or that the perfectionist in you makes it impossible to please you. There is no relationship that will keep you on a high every day. All close relationships have their highs and lows. It is difficult, if not impossible, to maintain a high level of satisfaction all the time throughout a relationship despite how much 'in love' you are even after finding your 'soulmate'.

This then forces one to admit that there are times when you would consider your relationship to be unsatisfactory. It is interesting to note that what may be dissatisfying for one person may not be for another. And one person may make a mountain out of a molehill.

Different ways

There are different ways of dealing with an unsatisfactory relationship. One way is to leave, which is the option you are considering. Persons will resort to this way of dealing with their relationship if they have not invested much. They do not feel that they would be losing much if they should terminate the relationship. Others mayfeel that the relationship is beyond saving because so much has happened that no number of 'sorrys' can repair the damage.

Andrea, it is not my place to tell you to stay or to leave. That is a decision you will have to make. However, for the sake of the other person, I would ask that you do not neglect the relationship in the hope that it will disintegrate or behave in any way that will upset your partner, eventually leading to a break-up.

If you want out, let the other person know. If possible, let the person be aware of the reasons you would like to end the relationship. It may be things that the other could fix and may be willing to fix. Give the person an opportunity to redeem himself. If you choose to go that route, put some time slots into the 'informal contract' with some checkpoints. And be patient - habits die hard.

If there is no scope for redemption, then end the relationship with the integrity of each person remaining intact.

Ivret Williams is a counselling psychologist. Email letstalkrelationships@yahoo.com.