Ivret Williams Dear Counsellor:
I am 35 years old and my husband died nine months ago. This was a sudden death. He was 38 years old.
Since then, I have been in so much pain. It does not matter what I do, it seems like I cannot stop crying. We had been married for two years and have a one-year-old daughter. I never believed that I would have ever experienced so much pain. When it happened, I was numb at first, as I went through the motions of the funeral.
When that was past, I started feeling pain and it seems as if the pain will not go away. I have prayed, I have fasted and the pain is still there. I think what adds to my pain is the fact that I have family members and friends who keep saying that I need to move on with my life as I am prolonging the grief.
How can I recover from this?
- Ailene
Dear Ailene:
Let me first extend my condolences to you. It is said that 'every heart knows its own bitterness'. Death represents a loss. To feel pain after a loss is both normal and natural. It is not fair for persons to feel that you should not be taking so long to grieve, as persons respond to loss in different ways. Ironically, your relationship may have been a short one, but that does not diminish the pain.
There are many factors that will add to the pain of the loss you had been married for only two years, the length of time for the entire relationship and how close you both were are among the factors that would affect your grieving. Another very important factor is your ability or inability to manage financially, especially with a child. Your supportive network, or lack thereof, will also impact on how well you go through the grieving process.
Ailene, you cannot shrug off the pain, nor can you run from it. You'll have to deal with it.
You need time to heal. An emotional wound is no less painful than a physical one. As a matter of fact, it is perhaps more painful because you don't have any quick-fix pills to alleviate the hurt. As you grieve, the desire may arise to shut yourself away and 'die', but you must bear in mind that life goes on, especially considering your child.
They will pop up
One songwriter said memories don't leave like people do; they will pop up occasionally. Don't try to shut them out. Unfortunately, they may surface when you least expect. An incident or a spoken word may trigger a memory. Embrace them and enjoy the memories for what they are worth. Shutting out the memories will only prolong the pain.
To cope with the loss, it is important for you to keep active. The activity helps to relieve the mind as you focus on other things. However, please do not be consumed with activities as a way of trying to forget; activities cannot erase the memories.
You may find yourself talking about the same things over and over and over again - that is normal. This also helps in the healing process. You could also journal your experience. Write about your relationship, write about the joys and write about your pain.
As you write, you are slowly releasing yourself from the pain. And if you feel like crying, remember that it is abnormal for an individual to feel pain and not be able to cry. Sometimes a good scream helps the healing process.
Finally, do not force yourself to be healed; as long as you do not retard the process, healing will take place.
Ivret Williams is a counselling psychologist. Email letstalkrelationships@yahoo.com.
