Yvonnie Bailey- Davidson

Dear Counsellor:

I have been involved in a relationship for the past five years. We quarrel a lot and sometimes say things that are painful. I often wonder why we are so easily provoked. I think we need help with anger management and communication skills.

- Sashay

Dear Sashay:

Relationships are formed on a diversity of bases. Initially, all is going well as both individuals are on their best behaviour and camouflage their deficits and weaknesses. During this period, agreement comes easily and individuals accommodate and cooperate so as to build a harmonious relationship.

Some individuals enter relationships with unclear goals, but like other issues, you learn on the job. During these early days, the couple only sees the best in each other. However, as time passes, the problems come to the fore and conflicts and disputes become the order of the day. Individuals are no longer respectful of each other's feelings and property, and unkind or hurtful words cause emotional pain. People fight over simple issues, triggering constant conflict.

Communicate effectively

Both of you need to see a counsellor who will teach you to communicate effectively and wisely. Individuals should stop the mind reading and develop flexibility so that they can manoeuvre effectively in a conversation. There should be certain ground rules. Name-calling and use of 'indecent' language should be banned and verbal abuse should not be tolerated.

Each individual should do a mental checklist of his needs, wants, desires and dreams. Each individual must be in touch with himself or herself, so that they can ask politely to get what is needed.

Be aware that individuals can develop compassion fatigue and will seek to avoid individuals who are consistently seeking pity and sympathy. Be prepared for the differences between two individuals. Sometimes, it was the very differences between individuals that helped form a relationship. When we are aware of our feelings and behaviours, then anger management becomes less challenging.

See a counsellor and journey along life's path to arrive at a more cooperative and assertive communication style, free of abuse.

Unfulfilled dreams

Dear Counsellor:

I read your articles weekly and find them to be useful and informative.

I am 18 years old and find myself thinking about life and what the future holds for me. I would like to pursue tertiary education and develop a career path. I get discouraged at times and lack self-confidence.

- Maria

Dear Maria:

The future is ahead of you with its successes and challenges. As an older adolescent, you would be thinking of an occupation, having your own family and thinking whether you should start a relationship with a male whom you like.

As individuals, we need to have dreams and plans. Keep your dreams alive and work hard towards them. The future is unknown, but you can do things that will improve your chances of success. Having come up with your ideas, you will need patience, tolerance, perseverance, persistence and the nurturing of others. Support from your family, friends and the individuals you meet are important to help you to weather the storm.

Deal with the setbacks

Being aware of the challenges, you need to be prepared to deal with setbacks, threats, obstacles, roadblocks and potholes. If you speak to individuals who have achieved success, they will tell you that their life journey has been plagued with manychallenges. You have to be prepared to be brave, courageous and to develop your people skills. You must be able to get along with others and to work with teams as well as being able to work independently.

Life is a journey and you have to be prepared to take small steps and celebrate small successes. There will be times when your successes are tremendous, but you will need to motivate and encourage yourself to stick with the task at hand. Surround yourself with individuals who have dreams and plans. You will have to sometimes be able to travel along life's path alone and complete your task. In building success for your dream, you will need to gather information about your ideas and solve problems like a detective.

Phone Dr. Yvonnie Bailey-Davidson at 978-8602 or 791-1778; or email yvonniebd@hotmail.com.