Ivret Williams

Dear Counsellor:

I am 20 years old and a virgin. I am a Christian and I do not believe in sex before marriage.

I have Christian friends who have had sex and to them it is 'no big thing'. There are times when they have tried to 'set me up', saying that I do not know what I am missing.

I believe that sex before marriage is wrong, but how do I stay chaste without seeming to be prudish?

- Tamika

Dear Tamika:

There are many Christians whose lifestyles do not reflect the principles of Christianity. As such, they simply wear the label. Tamika, in order to stand up for what you believe in, you may be considered prudish, but so what? As Shakespeare said in Hamlet, 'to thine own self be true'.

Don't allow yourself to be tempted to follow the crowd. I have found that many young persons who have got involved in sexual activities at an early age have regretted it. For some, the regret has been based on the fact that they thought that the relationship would have lasted, only to realise it was not to be. They felt that having given themselves to this person, they 'owned' him. This idea was not embraced by the young man, as in many cases, the girl was seen as another conquest.

I encourage young girls to put value on themselves. If you do not know your value, you will 'sell yourself cheap', ending up feeling rejected and cast away.

Examine the friends that you keep. If your friends are sexually active (even if they profess Christianity), they may try to break down your resolve. This may be the time to do some 'pruning' and remove from your life person(s) who could contaminate your values.

Hubby heartache

Dear Counsellor:

My husband recently lost his job and it has become a problem living with him. To be honest with you, I did not know he was so miserable. He picks at everything that I do.

We do not have a helper and you would think that he would help around the house. This is not so. Even when I get up in the mornings and fix breakfast, when I come home in the evenings the breakfast things are still there and he is watching TV. He does not even make an attempt to start dinner.

With each passing day, I am getting angrier. Whenever I speak to him, he claims that because he is not working, I am treating him this way. I do not know what to do because we had a good relationship before he lost his job.

- Marcia

Dear Marcia:

There are many factors that are affecting your husband. One factor is that for many men, their jobs define them. It gives them a sense of power. That power was taken from him when he lost his job. The longer it takes for him to get a job, the greater the effect it will have on him.

Put yourself in his place: If all his adult life he had been working, then the job loss represents a big loss for him. Most persons do not have a back-up plan.

At this time he is going through the grief cycle and he may be sad at times and angry at other times. Unfortunately, this anger may be projected at you. And you may retaliate by giving him a taste of his own medicine.

Marcia, this may be a challenging time for you as he seeks to sort himself out. Depending on where his head space is, you could encourage him to go back to school or start his own business. I hate to say this, but if all else fails, see a counsellor.

Ivret Williams is a counselling psychologist. Emailletstalkrelationships@yahoo.com.