Paul H. Williams, Gleaner Writer

"That is mental torture ... I was verbally abused, but that did not hurt my head more than so. The mental aspect of it to me is far worse than verbal abuse, far worse than physical abuse ... It emasculated you, you don't feel like you are a human being much less a man. It's like you don't exist," is how Felix Duvaldescribed the pain he went through when his wife Madgerefused to speak with him, though they were living in the same house.

But life was not always like that; it was quite the opposite. When they got married, it was time for Felix to settle down, so it was with great fervour that he sealed the nuptials. They had assets - monetary and material - a good marriage which he scored nine out of 10.

Felix said: "When we got married, both of us had, money to spend just like that ... because we didn't have any children. We both had very good jobs. And then we started having children immediately, and the more children we had, the more we want, and they are very close."

He continued proudly: "We sent them to the most expensive prep school in Jamaica ... Wedidn't spare money on the children. We both love our children tremendously, and we do everything with our children ... We take them on holiday all over the place."

However, two years into the marriage, cracks began to appear in the wedding bells and their tintinabulation was now a death knell for the marriage.

At 35, Madge was an accomplished woman, but had no husband and children. So, when she "see the opportunity, she got married, had her children, turned mother, missis, everything, and she was on top of the world, and so she just drift away from her man".

Felix: "We grew apart as my wife became more of a mother than a woman and wife in the house ... She was a very good mother and we enjoyed growing our family. (However,) All she wanted me to do was give her children, bring in money and allow her to grow her children."

This side-stepping of Felix pushed him over the edge. He was not getting the attention he wanted at home, so he sought and got it elsewhere, but not before telling Madge of his intentions. "I was always a man in my house. I was very much there ... I told her I obviously don't have a woman in the home and I told her I was going to find another woman, and in a year or so, I did go out and find another woman."

Infidelity

His act of infidelity was resolved as Felix had no intention of leaving his wife. They were to be together until death. That was the vow he made when he, at age 29, married the woman he was "totally excited about".

"I was never intending to leave my wife for anybody else. I had so many women before, I was settling down ... Mi meet a nice girl, mi get married now and settle down for the rest of my life ... I was the happiest married person."

Despite the infidelity and Madge's preoccupation with herself and her children, money or the lack thereof was to be the basis of the tension that was squeezing the marriage to death.

"Money became an issue ... We lived a big life and the money could never keep us with that big life. And she was made redundant the year before we broke up, and I know that played a big part in it ... When she was redundant, money became immediately a major concern because it was only on my money we were surviving now."

Felix became the sole breadwinner; there was a power shift in the home, and then the walls, the façade, came tumbling down. They were now living beyond their means, and the big life that they once enjoyed got smaller and smaller. With the family now fighting to maintain a certain lifestyle, the relationship between them became very strained. They were now living as strangers.

"She would be inside the room and you step into the room and she says nothing to you, she doesn't look at you, is like she was a ghost. She doesn't talk ... And we would go to a family function and things like that, you get spoken to .... And it's not something that happens overnight; it grew worse and worse over time.

The silent game

"She play the silent game; they don't talk to you about anything unless it is absolutely necessary. They don't acknowledge your presence, they don't say as much as good morning, they pretend as if you do not exist. They don't even cuss you ... no joke, no argument, no discussion, no talking."

But, on the phone, she would talk and laugh with family and friends, and when she was finished with them, not a word was spoken between them.

Madge's behaviour got stranger and stranger, and culminated into brief physical fights. There were at least four such fights, two of which he initiated, because he was provoked into hitting Madge, he claimed. In the other two, it was Madge who boxed him first, he said. However, the last fight was the beginning of the end of this upper-middle-class affair.

"That was the end of my life," said Felix in reference to the many legal proceedings that have ensued since then.

Separated for three years

They have been separated for three years now, but the battles continue. There is one in particular which he is very riled over, but which he has nointention of losing. "Right now, there is war between us, and the children (six of them) are totally traumatised. And the worst thing about the whole thing is she trying to not to let me see the children at all ... You can strip the house, you can take every cent that I have, but don't stop me from seeing mi pickney them. But then, that is another form of abuse."

In retrospect, Felix has admitted to the many mistakes he made in the relationship, some of which are the reason at age 44, he's living with his mother.

Next week, he explains some of his mistakes and gives some words of warning to men who are recently married or who are thinking of getting married. But, today, he concludes by saying, "It was about money, M-O-N-E-Y! If I had a lot of money, she would still be with me."

Names changed on request. The picture shown is a graphic.paul.williams@gleanerjm.com