Wendel Abel

Domestic violence may take the form of physical, sexual, emotional, economic or spiritual abuse and may also involve constant threats and intimidation.

Jane: "I was often slapped in the face. Once, I was six weeks pregnant and could not do the housework, my husband came home angry and accused me of living on the phone. He kicked me, mauled me and pulled his gun at me. I almost died."

Pam: "I was emotionally abused. My boyfriend would embarrass me in front of friends and the children. He treated me as if I were stupid. I was made to feel like trash. I lost my self-confidence and started to feel that I deserved the treatment."

Donna: "He constantly accused me of having other men. I couldn't keep any friends - male or female. I felt stifled and started to resent him. I could not have sex with him. Yet, he would force me to have sex and would use violence if I did not have sex with him."

Why do women suffer abuse?

Why do some women remain in an abusive relationship? Is it that they enjoy it? Abuse is complex and it affects women in more ways than one. Many women feel helpless, others have no support and others fear for their life.

Jane: "My life was totally controlled. I felt powerless. I became very depressed. I started to take my frustration out on my children. I wanted to leave the relationship, but I felt so hopeless, worthless and helpless. I could not think rationally and I did not have the energy to take action. That is what the violence and the depression did to me. I also feared for my life. Death was a reality."

Pam: "I felt alone. I had no support. My mother told me to have sympathy on my husband. My minister told me to fast and pray and he reminded me that I had taken the marriage vow. No one in my church offered support. They remarked that my husband was such a gentleman and that I must have been doing something wrong."

Donna: "I shared my desire to leave with my best friend and she commented: 'Then you are going to leave that big house and the lovely car you have to drive? What about the children? You all will suffer. I don't see you taking bus and sending those lovely children to primary school. Count your blessings, many women would be happy for what you have. Those who have the life, don't want it and those who want it can't get it.' "

Do not suffer in silence, take action

Jane: "I finally decided I had to leave this relationship. I planned my exit carefully. The only person I shared my plans with was my best friend in the country. One Saturday, I left for the supermarket and never returned. I went to stay with my friends in the country. I had police protection. It took a lot of planning and crying. But I am glad I took the decision. I now feel free and empowered. I have my life again."

Pam: "I went for counselling. The counsellor was very understanding and supportive. She helped me to explore my options. I did a course in cosmetology. As soon as I became independent, I started to feel confident and valued. One day, I had the courage to tell him I was leaving. I stood up to him, packed my things and I left."

Donna: "It was difficult for me at first. I first had to make that mental shift to give up what was a comfortable, but miserable life. I started to imagine myself without the house, the car and the parties. Then I realised that my life would be happier and more fulfilling. I consulted a lawyer and sorted out my legal entitlements. I also consulted the Bureau of Women's Affairs and the Crisis Centre. They were of great help. One day I left with the children. I am happier now."

November 25 is celebrated as the International Day for the Elimination of Violence against Women. It is an opportunity to talk about these issues and learn from the experiences of others. Lift that veil of silence and shame.