Dr. Alverston Bailey, Contributor

When it comes to cheating, men have been given a bad name. We went in search of men and asked: Have you ever cheated on your significant other?

Andre

"Yeah, but I kept it on the down low to make sure my girl never finds out. I just told the other girl not to call me when my girl is around. I'm still cheating, and my girlfriend still doesn't know."

Tramaine

"Of course! I had five girls and cheated on the five of them with the sixth one. But they found out and my main girlfriend cheated on me with another man."

Larry

"Yeah, One time she found out because she was looking for something in my drawer and found a condom wrapper. She cursed me off but she forgave me and we were together for a little while after that. We are not together now."

Kani

"Yes and my phone gave me away! The other girl sent me a text message about how the sex was good and my girlfriend saw it.

Recently, The Journal of Marital and Sexual Therapy reported that one in four sexually active men is unhappy with his sex life. These problems arise out of a combination of factors: lack of confidence, communication difficulties, inexperience, lack of skill, unrealistic expectations, refusal to take responsibility for our own sexual pleasure, our belief systems, taboos and phobias about sex that we all have and take with us into each sexual encounter. Most of us are not aware of these biases and expectations but these unexamined yet rigid convictions have the potential to impact negatively on our sexual experiences.

Are you unhappy with your sex life? Has sex become a chore for you?

Perhaps your sexual conditions are not being met.

In many sexual encounters, each partner is primarily concerned with the other's satisfaction. The woman is trying to figure out what the man wants and expects, while he is trying to determine how to satisfy her, each is looking out for the other and neither is addressing his or her own needs. To truly enjoy good sex, you must determine the ideal conditions which would facilitate maximum gratification, that is: becoming aroused, achieving erection and having an orgasm, if desired.

A condition is anything that affects your sexuality, such as your emotional state, your physical state, how you feel about your partner, what you expect from her, the type of stimulation you desire, the setting you are in, etc.

Ideal conditions should make you more relaxed, more confident, more sensuous. As human beings, we have unique preferences and styles and needs.

Your conditions reflect your uniqueness and you should not be embarrassed for having special needs. In order to truly achieve these conditions, you must communicate your feelings to your partner.

Are you in the mood for sex? If not, why?

Share your feelings and your fantasies with your partner. Explore your fears, taboos and sexual preferences. Is there a novel experience that you crave but are unwilling to verbalise? Are you experiencing a physical challenge such as erectile dysfunction, tiredness, etc? Are you on any drugs that have suppressed your desire? What is your mood like? Are you feeling depressed, anxious or angry? Do you have performance anxiety?

How do you feel about your partner? Do you really find her attractive? Do you think she really cares for you? Are you aware of her specific desires? Are you willing to meet these needs? Are they contrary to your mores, value systems, etc.?

I recommend to men to reflect on the needs of their penis, what are the conditions which would facilitate its optimum functioning? And, what would retard its performance? Share these with your partner. Because of the pressure to satisfy their partners' needs, men often sacrifice their own enjoyment, and make love when they don't want to, when they are too tense to respond appropriately, in ways they don't like and even with partners they find unattractive.

To meet your conditions you must be assertive, while showing appropriate concern for your partner's needs. Let your partner know that you are not in the mood for sex even though she is interested. Tell your partner that you don't want intercourse but would like some other form of sex. Indicate, in a clear way, that you want to stop in the middle of a sexual experience if it is uncomfortable. Let your partner know that certain feelings such as anger, anxiety, boredom, etc. are interfering with your sexual feelings and functioning. Give your partner directions on how to stimulate you in the way you find most pleasurable.

Here are some other guidelines:

Be frank and express your wishes clearly but don't criticise, just say what you want or do not want.

It is essential that you give a rationale for your request or rejection, but be firm and persistent.

If you are unwilling to grant a request, as it is given, but want to do something else, discuss this option with your spouse. At the end of this period of intimacy express your appreciation when your requests are granted.

Assertiveness should not be regarded as rudeness, bullying or aggression, it affords you the opportunity to pay serious attention to your own needs. Your partner may not always be responsive and you will have to negotiate compromises but your effort will be rewarded with a more fulfilling sexual experience.

Dr. Alverston Bailey is a medical doctor and immediate past president of the Medical Association of Jamaica.