Abrahams Avia Collinder, Gleaner Writer

A child who is constantly put down is being set up for a life of substance abuse, crime and failing. That is why Sonita Moren Abrahams, psychologist and health scientist who is executive director of Rise Life Management Services (formerly Addiction Alert), is advising parents that they need to learn the critical skill of allowing their children to express their emotions.

This, she notes, is one way of ensuring that they will not develop addictive behaviours and/or other negative habits in life.

"I have noticed," she stated in a recent interview, "that a lot of children have experienced traumatic events. A lot of children whom we work with grow up in very violent communities, experiencing anger and trauma which are not being acknowledged.

"They are suffering. The effect of growing up like this is affecting every area of their lives."

Moren Abrahams notes that recent research reveals that children may have difficulty processing academic information when they are burdened with worry and anxiety.

"If a child witnesses violence in the night, it will be very hard (for that child) to come to school the next day and do well."

The child needs help to process the events and move towards becoming a healthy individual.

The counsellor notes: "Parents need to understand that emotionally healthy children will then become healthy children."

Positive affirmation

Along with allowing them to express themselves, Moren Abrahams said parents should give positive affirmation and attention. They should also give rewards when children do good things. Otherwise, they might secure attention through negative activity.

"Tell them, 'you are loved, special, good at what you are doing'. That is where a child gets self-esteem. Love nurtures and protects your child and always affirms them in a positive way."

She also advises, "look at alternative ways of discipline, rather than flogging or beating. A child raised in an environment of love and protection will, under proper guidance, go on to be a happy, successful human being."

POSITIVE Parenting

Must-have parenting tools

1.	Be aware of the child's emotions and feelings. Recognising an emotion as an opportunity for bonding and teaching. If a child is sad, you can ask why? What has happened to make you feel this way?
2.	Sharing emotions opens the way to bonding and to teaching the child new ways of thinking.
3.	Parents should listen with empathy and compassion and acknowledge the child's feelings. When faced with tears, parents should not say, 'shut up', but 'hush'. Find out why they are crying and try to make them feel better.
4.	Help the children to find words to label the emotion, especially if it is making them feel anger and resentment, which they are unable to articulate because they have never been taught. The parent should help to identify these feelings and express them.
5.	Parents should understand that it is OK for children to have different feelings. It is not OK to tell them they should not have these feelings.
6.	Parents need to learn how to acknowledge children's feelings at all times and to offer them a different view of the situation. For example, in cases of bullying, the children might come home feeling unable to cope. Parents can offer alternative ways of dealing with this instead of allowing them to beat up on themselves in silence. Negative feelings for self can be turned around and expressed a different way.
Children who experience distressing situations will feel better if they are better able to express themselves to their parents and can work through those emotions. 7.	Parents also need to identify and be able to speak about their own feelings. Rules of 'don't feel, don't talk' will be followed by children if observed. A parent looking sad and depressed but, who, when asked, says nothing is the matter, is encouraging the child to adopt the same attitude. Parents need to open themselves to the child and share their own feelings with them when appropriate. They also need to be able to demonstrate their own emotions in positive ways.

Sonita Moren Abrahams, psychologist and health scientist, is the executive director of Rise Life Management Services. She recommends the books 'Raising Emotionally Smart Children', available at the Ministry of Health and the manual 'Pathways to Parenting - A Caribbean Approach'.