Dear Counsellor:

I have been reading your weekly column and I have found it informative and helpful. I tend to get angry easily and have a lot of rage reaction. I am wondering if something is wrong with me.

- Claudia

Dear Claudia:

Anger is a normal response to frustration and problems. We need to be in control of our feelings and not get carried away in the heat of the moment. Anger can lead to physical and verbal aggression as well as rage reaction.

Anger can result from childhood frustrations. We all have issues from childhood events and we sometimes believe that life has been unfair and that we were maltreated.

Many individuals were neglected and abused in the name of child rearing. Some were beaten in anger and felt unloved and unappreciated. These individuals were never showed positive attention or congratulated on their achievements.

These feelings of resentment and anger are carried forward into adulthood and are projected on to other individuals. This projection is part of the process of transmission of generational pathology.

You, therefore, need to speak with a therapist about unresolved issues of the past as well as current stressors. Some individuals may have bipolar disorder, impulse control disorder or borderline personality disorder.

There are some simple techniques which can be used to control your anger. Count to 10 and take deep breaths to relax before you respond to a situation. You must realise that some people provoke anger in others to keep them off balance and make them vulnerable. It, therefore, means that we need to be aware of our trigger points and maintain emotional control.

Dear Counsellor:

My daughter died years ago and I find that whenever the anniversary comes around, I get depressed. Can you explain what is happening to me?

- Annemarie

Dear Annemarie:

Grief at the loss of a loved one is a lifelong adaptation. Bereavement is one of the most challenging issues to face mankind. Grieving is long term but the pain lessens with time.

Anniversary reaction is a normal response and you should accept that for a few days every year, you may feel unhappy.

There are rituals to grieving such as the burial and memorials. These rituals are to help the family to come to terms with their loss and adapt to a life without the physical presence of the loved one. Many times there are unfulfilled dreams and expectations and so we speak about unfinished business.

When children die, parents feel that part of them is missing and they search for meaning and understanding. There are no answers to some questions. Depending on our beliefs and cultures, we may accept certain answers.