POSITIVE Parenting

Friend, as you can see, I get confused a lot. Mom and Dad say we are to tell the truth but, when we do, they say it's not nice. I don't know what to do.

One day, long time ago, Lorna was on spring break. So Mom let her stay with me. When Mom was away, I wanted some milk to drink. I got a glass and tried to pour it for myself. The bottle was too heavy and it fell. The glass fell also. And it broke. Only a little of the milk spilled. Lorna heard the noise and came. She told me I was in trouble. But she helped me to pick up the pieces of glass. We decided to hide them so Mom wouldn't know. Lorna never tells on me. She hid the broken glass behind the garage.

Mad face

When Mom came back, I was scared. She asked Lorna if all went well. Lorna said yes. I told Mom I didn't do anything bad. She said she was happy about that. Lorna looked at me with a mad face but I didn't know why. When Mom was gone from the room Lorna told me that I better shut up. Mom went into the Kitchen. She called Lorna and asked her what broke. Lorna said nothing. Mom began to get upset with Lorna. She told Lorna that she was not telling the truth. Because she found pieces of glass on the floor. Lorna still didn't tell. So Mom punished her for not telling the truth. Mom was not fair to Lorna because she didn't know for sure that Lorna wasn't telling the truth. Lorna and I didn't tell Mom what happened because we didn't want to get a spanking for breaking the glass.

Grown-ups should know that children have to protect themselves. And they don't always do it the way grown-ups think they should. If Mom wouldn't spank us for having an accident, we wouldn't see the need to hide the truth from her.

I felt sorry for Lorna. I thought Mom was punishing her for breaking the glass. I told Mom that the milk bottle knocked it off the table. She said that is impossible. Do you see what I mean? Grown-ups think they know everything. They don't even try to see things the way we see them. Lorna and I do things not to make Mom and Dad mad; but they still get mad. I don't think they know how hard we try to please them. When we don't tell the truth, it's because we are trying to please them. We don't like for them to be upset with us.

Surprise birthday party

Mom told me a funny story. She said that when I was three years old, she was planning a surprise birthday party for Dad. She told Lorna and me not to tell Dad. And I promised her I wouldn't. She said I kept my promise until the day before the party. That day she told me she was buying things for the party.

That evening when Dad came home, I told him that we had a surprise for him. He wanted to know what. Lorna and Mom looked at me with mad faces. I didn't know why they were mad. Lorna took me outside and told me that I had promised not to tell. I told her that I did not tell. She said yes you did. I was sure I hadn't.

When Mom and Lorna were gone, Dad asked me what the surprise was. I told him that Mom is going to have a surprise birthday party but I can't tell him. Dad said that's OK.

The evening of the party Dad acted like he was surprised. And Mom and Lorna were happy. When the party was over, Dad told Mom he had known about the party. He told them that I told him there would be a party but I can't tell him. He said I was very serious. They didn't get mad at me. They thought it was funny. This is one time they didn't get mad at me for telling the truth. I am glad. Because at three I didn't know I was telling Dad about the party.

Now that I am five, I understand more than before. But lots of times I don't understand what grown-ups are talking about. Sometimes when I don't understand I ask questions. But sometimes I don't because I don't know what to ask.

I feel very sad when grown-ups don't believe me. I like when they believe me. Sometimes I make up stories because that's fun. But grown-ups say I'm lying. I don't know why. Because I am telling them stories just like they tell me stories. Sometimes they read their stories from books. But I can't write yet. So I tell my stories.

As I get older, I learn how to do things like grown-ups. But they never seem to learn how to do things like we do. I wonder if grown-ups did the things I do when they were children. I bet they didn't. That's why they don't understand.

NEXT WEEK: Children make mistakes, too.

Dr Jaslin Salmon is a professor of sociology and is also trained in counselling and psychotherapy. He is currently president/CEO of the International Institute for Social, Political and Economic Change (IISPEC) in Kingston, Jamaica (www.iispec.org). The book can be purchased at Sangster's Bookstores, Kingston Book Shop, amazon.com and Trafford.com/07-1449.

This is the sixth instalment in our series from the book, Parenting a Child's Perspective, written by Dr Jaslin Salmon. Watch for the themes in the series: Illness and death, siblings and parent-child relationship.