Put some 'Ashes' in my stocking
Published: Saturday | December 13, 2008
To: Santa Claus
aka: Father Christmas, Chris Kringle, Saint Nick
2512 Polar Bear Drive
From: Tym Glaser
c/o The Gleaner Co Ltd
7 North Street, Kingston
Due to your continued inability to deliver even one measly flat screen plasma TV to my residence - or accommodate any of my recent Christmas wish lists, I am forced to get legal on your fat behind this year.
Please note, 'Tubby', this missive has been copied to my lawyer and swift action will be taken if you continue to ignore my humble and reasonable requests.
Now, Big Fella, you can very easily make up for last year's tardiness by dropping that plasma TV down my chimney this Yule season. There will be no hard feelings, all will be forgiven and I'll even buy you a Stripe or two when I get over to Negril next month (of course, you're going to be difficult to spot among all the other chubby, red fellows on the beach but I'll do my best).
So, now, that's one plasma TV, got it?
Okay, next; now last year I also asked for a drug-free Tour de France. No real biggy, just a nice clean ride around France and you did what, Lard Boy? Nuttin', nada, zilch.
Thanks a bucket-load. What, you don't know where France is? Or maybe Rudolph didn't get that red nose genetically but because you juice him up on vodka each Xmas Eve, that sure would explain a lot!
Anyways, I'm leaving the Tour alone this year and am just going to watch it to see all the pretty castles and chateaux.
Nope, this year I would like you to eradicate crime in this little island paradise ... only jokin', Bruce is already on the job and we've put capital punishment back on the books, so that's a done deal.
No, what I really, truly want is something so simple that even a 400-pound dude in black boots and a red suit with white fur trimming could do; I want you to conjure up an Ashes victory for Australia in the Old Dart next year.
There you have it, so cunning in its simplicity.
I don't want a whitewash, I don't even mind if it comes down to the last ball of the last Test, just so long as the good guys in the green caps win.
I was also going to ask for a West Indies win over England next year but I already know what you'd say to that: 'ho, ho, ho'.
I'm just going to keep it simple: Aussies over England, geddit?
I really couldn't go through another 2005 when all of my dormant English friends suddenly burst into life and gloated like there was no tomorrow.
And did you get a load of all the celebrations and ticker-tape parades for the Pommy players? I think Freddy Flintoff is still trying to shake off the hangover (he sure has been playing like it).
So there you have it, Balloon Belly, don't let me down now because, as I have already stated, we are going to start hanging wicked people high down here now.
Yours in anticipation,
cc: Ebenezer Patterson