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SINGULAR SUBJECTS - Strictly for lovers!

Published:Monday | February 8, 2010 | 2:00 AM

The Soloist, Contributor

As far as I am concerned, Valentine's Day is a day for lovers. Not for friends, teachers, children, parents or the pet goat. It was originally intended for lovers, man and woman, full stop. That is why we have special days/weeks and even month for everyone else.

So, make Sunday, February 14, a day your lover will never forget. If the recession prevents you from affording a night out, expensive red roses, perfume or diamonds, be creative.

Here are two of my tried and tested love lessons for you to try. The first one I tried after reading it in an Ebony magazine over 20 years ago and my man has been begging for a repeat ever since. Send him an invitation to formal dinner and insist he dress up. Wear a dress made from animal print fabric. Select a style with plunging neckline and a slit that leaves very little to the imagination.

Fix his favourite dinner, set table on the patio, chill the wine, light incense and load the CD player with all your favourite love songs. He will be surprised the venue is home sweet home.

After dinner, excuse yourself to go to the bathroom; on the way back, take up a sexy perch on the rose petal strewn bed. Men are so predictable, he will come 'searching' for you and his jaws will drop as he takes in the scene. Ask him to come open his present and when he looks puzzled, point to yourself. When the dress eventually comes off, he will see the three red bows that tied his 'package', strategically taped to the points of his interest. The loudest sound you will hear in the room will be all the air leaving his lungs. But don't worry, he will be revived, and I'm sure your Valentine won't be any saint!

Fantasy land

My second lesson comes from fantasy land. Girls, never be too shy to bring a little drama into the bedroom and always be willing to wear the appropriate costume. So, if he wants you to be a nurse, hooker, barmaid, teacher, or a screaming evangelist, say hallelujah! Suppose his fantasy is to 'get some' with you wearing nothing but a pair of the type of red stilettoes only pole dancers wear, go shoe shopping now.

On Sunday night, apply your weapons of man's destruction (black mole over one lip, red lipstick, black eyebrow pencil), a wig, a pair of black lace gloves, black lace shawl tied sarong style and slip into your red killer heels.

As soon as you hear his car in the driveway, open a beer and sit facing the door. The poor man may just drop the flowers in his arms when he eyeballs you. But offer the beer, let your eyes and body do the talking and soon he will be requesting a lap dance, some sexy walks around the room and staring at your feet. Just don't take any pictures! These have a way of showing up in odd places later. And, yes, when the nitty hits the gritty, all you will be left wearing are the red shoes!

Don't forget to arrange for the children to sleepover somewhere, with uniforms for school the following day. Happy Valentine's Day.

lifestyle@gleanerjm.com