Sat | Apr 21, 2018

My husband wants me to sleep with another man

Published:Sunday | August 22, 2010 | 12:00 AM

Q. Doctor, I would be grateful for your professional advice about this situation between my husband and I.

We are both in our early 30s, and we got married about 14 years ago, while we were at university.

Recently, a slightly younger man (about 26, I think) has been doing some work for us. We both get along with him very well, and he is always dropping in for a cup of coffee, or even a snack.

He is very handsome, and I must admit that I do find him attractive. We laugh and joke together a lot.

However, what has amazed me, Doctor, is that my husband is clearly pushing me to have sex with this young man. He takes every opportunity to leave us alone. For instance, when the young man comes to the house, my husband will make a point of telling us that he is going out in the car for an hour.

He also tells me that there would be no harm in giving this man a kiss and a cuddle. He has strongly hinted to this young man that I am attracted to him. When we are having sex, he will say things like: "How would you like to have young X's penis inside you?" This does get both of us excited.

My mind is really in a whirl about all this. I have to tell you that I have already given into temptation and had kissing sessions with Mr X. I have let him fondle my breasts, and on the last occasion he even got me to put my hand inside his pants. To be honest, matters went so far that he had an orgasm.

What should I do, Doctor? What is happening to me? Should I just go with the flow and see what happens? Or could this be dangerous?

A. I think you are in a pretty risky situation. But first, let us look at why your husband is behaving like this.

My experience of these marital situations is very often that the husband has decided that the marriage is not what it was, and that it may be almost over. He might not be conscious of the fact that he is thinking that way, because his thoughts may still be at an unconscious level. Deep down, he probably feels that this will give him a permit to have sex with as many women as he likes. And he may well have the idea that eventually he will be able to go his own way - and get a divorce.

Now, I could be wrong about this. There are some men who simply like getting their wives to have sex with other males. They get a big thrill out of the idea, and may even want to watch. However, they do not actually want to split with their wives.

But whatever your husband's motivation, there could be very serious problems ahead for you both.You have already reached a stage where you have handled this young man's genitals to the point of orgasm. It is absolutely certain that within a very short period of time, he will want to return the favour, and from there, it will be a very short step to sex.

And what will be the consequences of that?

Have you considered that you might get pregnant, or a sexually transmitted infection such as chlamydia?

You should also consider the emotional effects of this three-way relationship. Unfortunately, human beings are not too rational where sex and love are concerned! I have known of threesome in which one of the males became insanely jealous, so much so that violence was threatened. I remember a few instances in which the wife eventually fell in love with the other man - and left her husband for him. And a colleague told me of a case in which both men went off together!

So the possibilities of problems are endless. My advice to you is to put a stop to all this now. Tell the young man that he cannot visit your house any more. Refuse to meet him anywhere else. Inform your husband that you will not be committing adultery. And ask him to go with you to see a marriage counsellor with you.

Good luck.

Q My wife and I are both 49 years old. When we make love, it seems that everything is a little dry these days.

What can we do?

A Buy yourselves a good vaginal lubricant, such as K-Y, Liquid Silk or Astroglide.

If that does not work, your wife should see her doctor, or a gynaecologist, to determine whether she needs a vaginal hormone cream.

Q Last year, I saw a shooting incident in which a relative was killed, and now I cannot get it out of my head. I keep thinking about it, and dreaming about it. I am so upset about these memories that I have had to quit my job.


A I am pretty sure that you are suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder. This normally happens after people have experienced something horrible.

So you need to consult a psychotherapist or a clinical psychologist right away. She will show you how to cope with these memories so that they no longer distress you.

Q I have heard that there is something called the 'Dr Erector', and that it can help men who need help with their erections.

Do you know anything about it?

A This is an American device which you are supposed to put into your anus, so that it massages your prostate gland. The idea is that that will assist with erections.

Unfortunately, a number of persons are not satisfied with the device and apparently they can't get their money back. If you are having erectile problems, I suggest that you see a doctor and get a comprehensive physical, including tests for diabetes.

Q Can you give me absolute assurance that oral sex cannot make me pregnant?

A Yes. There has only been one case in all the world of medical literature, of a woman who got pregnant through giving a guy oral sex.

That occurred under very strange circumstances, involving a woman who swallowed her partner's sperm, and was then stabbed in the stomach by a jealous former lover. That created an artificial channel through which the sperm passed from her stomach to her womb.

I think you can safely say that this is not likely to happen to the average female.

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