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Dear Counsellor,

I AM 42 years old and I am faced with some serious problems in my marriage. First, my husband and I have been unable to conceive a child together for the last nine years. He already has a son from a previous relationship, but I have none of my own. We have tried many tests, both here and abroad, and we have spent thousands of dollars on these tests and trials, but to no avail.

Second, there is very little trust in our relationship. We both work long hours in different parishes. He has had affairs while I've been married to him and I have forgiven him for them. Now, he is once again acting strangely and I suspect that he is having another affair.

My greatest fear is he may conceive a child outside of our marriage. This situation has me feeling very depressed. Do you think he is disappointed with my inability to conceive, or just disappointed with me? How can I salvage my marriage?

A. There is no guarantee your husband would be faithful to you if you were able to conceive and have a child naturally for him. Since he has been unfaithful to you repeatedly, it is not necessarily due to the lack of a baby in the union. Furthermore, it does mean you are the one unable to conceive because he has a son already.

But even if you were infertile, it does not give your husband the right to have affairs. It seems he is abusing your forgiveness. You need to place some conditions for your continuing in the marriage. It appears you are willing to excuse his behaviour based on the fact that the marriage has produced no children and, worse, because you feel he is disappointed with you. However, you have more reasons to be disappointed with him for his marital indiscretions. You could be disappointed with him for not being more supportive of you and your desire for a child. You also work long hours and he could have been more supportive.

Adoption as an option

It is not impossible to get pregnant at 40, but it is rare, especially for a first child. You and your husband should consider adopting a child. Adoption can be equally satisfying. Your energy and financial resources need to be redirected towards an alternative such as adoption. In addition, it will take away some of the pressure you feel from trying for nine years.

You also need to share with your husband how depressed you are because there is no child from the union and how his unfaithfulness is affecting you, and the fears you have he might conceive outside the marriage. Perhaps you should ask if he has other children apart from the son.

Furthermore, you need to have a frank and serious talk with him about his unfaithfulness and how it is making you unhappy and depressed. You need to find out what is missing in his life why he is having affairs. Is he being pressured by the behaviour of men or seduced by women? If he is experiencing peer pressure then he needs to change those friends, and if he is being seduced by women then he needs to flee from their presence. In other words, when you are sure he has given you honest answers then put a practical system in place. This is the main way in which trust can be restored to the marriage.

Therefore, to salvage your marriage you need to have a better self-image. It is not the end of the world if you and your husband cannot conceive. You will not be the first couple and will not be the last. That you might not have this blessing does not mean you are cursed. It means you have to find other ways to care for a child and find meaning and fulfilment in life.

Work pressures and work stress might be affecting your sex life, so do some changes in your work pattern and make sure every week you have some romantic time together in order to build the relationship.

All the best as you work on your nine-year-old marriage.

Contact the counsellor at editor@gleanerjm.com.