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SUNDAY SAUCE - Creatures for Heaven or Hell

Published:Sunday | November 28, 2010 | 12:00 AM

Oxy Moron, Contributor

In the Great Flood, it is said, Noah, on instruction from God, took a pair of each animal into the ark. But now, in all the talk about Heaven, I am yet to hear of any plans for the animals and other non-human creatures of this Earth. The lion and the lamb, one crass and overzealous, the other mild, are the only two that are mentioned. But, what if the temperamental lion suddenly got angry and ate the lamb? Lamb chops in Heaven? Oh, what glory divine!

So, I ask the questions: What about the other creatures? Aren 't they so worthy this time around? While the jury is still out on some of them, some certainly deserve to be in Heaven, others are tailor-made for Hell. Take for instance, vicious and brutal carnivores such as the wolf, fox, hyena, leopard, tiger, bobcat and coyote, they should find their rightful place in purgatory. And since we can 't trust the lion with the lamb, it too belongs in Satan's kingdom.

Let them rip one another to pieces down there, where there is enough fire for a grand barbecue. Daily, the Devil and his advocates shall be having barbecued and jerked lion, tiger, wolf, fox, etc. The Jamaicans who are Hell-bound must make sure they carry enough barbecue sauce and jerk seasoning to appease Satan, who, it is rumoured, doesn 't like us because we have this proclivity to want to take over everywhere we go.

The cow and bee, without a doubt, are on their way to Heaven. They are needed to supply milk and honey, respectively. Sadly, the bull will have to be where the cow is. Satan has made it fundamentally clear that two bulls can't reign in one pen. And need we remind Mr Bull that there shall be no bovine excrement in Heaven? That's not the place for it, lest it soil the angels' wings.

The mule and the jackass will burn tyres and block Heaven 's Gate, if the horse and pony are allowed inside, and they are not. They are sick and tired of being discriminated against by man, and for them to face bigotry in Heaven is clearly not acceptable.

No-brainer

This one is a no-brainer. The scorpion, spider, centipede, wasp, mosquito and ant have already booked their flight to Hell. There, they are going to sting and bite sinners for eternity. Likewise, the serpent, he who told 'licky-licky' Eve, on advice from Satan, to eat the apple.

The cat is in a quandary. It will have to find dirt to hide its sugar plums. And there is no dirt in Heaven, only streets of gold. The dog, even the pedigree, will starve in Heaven. The angels don't do turned-cornmeal or steamed chicken back. The monkey will be a burden on Heaven's budget. The banana bill will be too high, so you know where he's heading. In that holy place, theft is not allowed. That's why the bear, who loves honey, has no ghost of a chance there.

No scavenging birds, including the john crow, shall go to Heaven. Hell is where they will find putrid, burnt flesh. The bird of paradise and the peacock are just too pretty for Hell's ugly environs. The chatty-chatty parrot will have to find some other realm between Heaven and Hell. Beset with a chronic case of verbal diarrhoea, it has been declared persona non grata in all quarters. And what about the sea creatures? Ask the parrot, it should know.

oxydmoron@gmail.com