Thu | Apr 26, 2018

Swapping and Cougars

Published:Monday | January 17, 2011 | 12:00 AM

I am thinking of moving to Mandeville. The women/ couples there seem to have a lot of excitement between the sheets. All this wife swapping and foursomes in the town's cool bedrooms is making me feel left out! And, as for some of the older women, they seem to be having a lot of fun with younger men. I am wondering if that is because the town has earned the reputation for being the place where "the newly-weds and nearly dead" reside. I have been picking up this information from the popular 'Doctor's Advice' column in our other weekly tabloid Outlook Magazine and I have been thinking about the bravery of these couples. Seriously though, I don't want that type of fun at all; I regard it as being downright unhealthy. Plus, having been there and done that with the younger guy thing, that, too, is highly overrated. It's amazing how fast you can hit the delete button in such relationships when the youngster tries to borrow your hard-earned money. There is something distinctly repulsive about an adult male who's not a blood relative/spouse who wants my financial support. I'd rather give it to the Jamaica Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals.

I don't play that. Men in relationships with women must have their own dough. Otherwise it's a bad omen. And that includes this 'going Dutch' habit too. If he can't afford certain pleasures, delay them and find other ways to date and court, like writing poetry or going for a drive in the country or simply being there for each other in times of genuine need. What's the point of a man being cast in the roles of head of the household/breadwinner/ leader/the stronger if he has to do it from my wallet? Oh, and for those of you angry dependents who are just waiting to pounce on me, I don't want his money either, I work hard to support myself in every way. But I digress.

Nasty situation

Why on earth would I want to suck up or absorb three other people's body fluids in one sitting? It's 2011 for God's sake! It's unhealthy; it's icky, nasty, unhygienic and creepy! Think of all the germs and diseases waiting to thrive as soon as they are transferred to my innards.

So you might be saying I am boring and missing out on the time of my life. The idea is intriguing but so are bungee jumping, meeting President Obama, or owning a 10-karat diamond ring. And in these days when we tend to record everything, can you imagine all that being put on permanent record only to show up on YouTube?

For those contemplating the foursome or wife-swapping thing, why not spice up your relationships by adding some role playing? Take on new sexy characters on theme nights, complete with raunchy costumes and let your inner nurse, doctor, maid, prostitute, pastor, manager, teacher or even Little Red Riding Hood come out to play with each other. Be creative, but avoid these bedroom congregations.

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