Wed | Aug 5, 2020

Is my fiancé gay?

Published:Sunday | April 17, 2011 | 12:00 AM

Q Doctor, I am a 32-year-old woman and I recently met a wonderful Jamaican man. But I would like your medical opinion about him. I am foreign by birth, but have lived here for several years.

He has now proposed to me, and we plan to get married later this year. We are talking about having three children, and having a marvellous life together. Sex with him is great, though he does not seem to want it as often as I do.

I am currently having a wonderful time making arrangements for the wedding, and inviting relatives, etc. He tries to help me, but he is very busy, particularly in the evenings.

What worries me is that he has quite a lot of male friends, who don't appear all that friendly towards me. He was talking to one of them on the phone the other day, and I am almost sure that his friend made some sort of derogatory comment about me.

Also, I heard him say 'I'm looking forward to being "down low" with you,' or something like that. Later, when I asked him what 'down low' meant, he just laughed and would not tell me.

But my main concern is his lack of sex drive. Do you think I can help him increase it when we are married?

A No, I do not. Women often think that marriage will somehow 'change' a man in some way, but it rarely does. Certainly, there is no likelihood that getting married will 'pep up' his sex drive, and make him more enthusiastic about having intercourse with you.

Another point that concerns me is this. You heard him use the phrase 'down low' to his male friend.

Presumably you are not aware of this, but in some parts of Jamaica, and indeed in the United States, the phrase 'down low' has a special meaning. It refers to the situation where a man marries a woman (or perhaps lives with her) in order to achieve 'respectability', but secretly sees other men for sex.

So 'down low sex' is a homosexual activity practised by a married man who is pretending to be heterosexual.

Now I do not wish to be unfair to your fiancé. It is just possible that he used the words 'down low' to mean something else. After all, those two words could refer to a meeting place that is further down a hill, or something like that.

But we must take into consideration the fact that he apparently doesn't have much interest in having sex with you. Also, he seems to have a lot of male friends who don't like you very much. And it sounds as though he spends his evenings with them. All of this appears to add up to potential trouble.

Therefore, I do not think you should go ahead with this wedding until the two of you have seen an experienced marriage counsellor. And maybe your first move should be to ask your fiancé to tell you honestly whether he is going in for 'down low sex'.


Q I am in my 50s, and I have sex several times a week with my girlfriend, who is great.

What concerns me is that I do not feel that my erections are quite as hard as they used to be when I was around 20.

What could I do about it?

A Research indicates that many men are slightly less 'hard' in their 50s and 60s than they were in their 20s. This is no big deal, and it does not indicate that you are losing your nature.

However, it would not hurt to get a check-up from a doctor. He should test your urine for sugar, and also advise you about your general health, and whether you need to lose weight and get more exercise.

Frequently, getting healthier will improve a man's 'performance' in bed. It may also increase the blood flow to his male organ.


Q I'm a 27-year-old woman, and I am deeply embarrassed by the fact that whenever I have sex with my new man, air comes rushing out of my vagina and makes strange noises.

Is there something wrong with me?

A No, there isn't. This phenomenon of 'vaginal wind' is extremely common. The 'gas' is just air which the man has accidentally pumped inside with his penis. Once it is inside, there is nowhere for it to go, so it has to come out again. And unfortunately, that tends to make a rather rude sound.

Vaginal wind tends to occur in some positions, and not in others. So you could avoid the ones which cause it. Most importantly, you should talk to your man about it, so that he realises that it is a natural phenomenon, and not something you should be ashamed of.

Make sure he understands that you are not producing gas, and that the noise is simply caused because he has pushed air inside.


Q I will be going to England soon and I am thinking about having a vasectomy while I am there.

But could I get it 'reversed' if I wanted to?

A Vasectomy is the operation in which a surgeon/specialist cuts through the two tubes that carry sperms from the testicles to the penis. It is an extremely efficient method of contraception, although occasional pregnancies do occur after it has been done.

However, it is very difficult to 'reverse' a vasectomy. Men do sometimes have this 'reversal' operation in England or America, if they decide that they made a mistake and now want more children. But the results of the surgery are not good.

So, if you choose to have a vasectomy, you should really look on it as permanent.


Q I am 29, and I recently embarked on a new and happy relationship. But about a week after going to bed with my boyfriend, I began to notice an unusual discharge.

It is white or yellow, and it makes me a little sore. Do you think he has given me something, Doctor?

A I am afraid that is quite likely. Although I cannot be certain, it sounds like you have acquired some infection through having sex with him.

Possibilities are:

Chlamydia;

Gonorrhoea;

Fungal infection;

Bacterial vaginosis;

Trichomonas vaginalis.


So you need to see a doctor right away, and have some tests done. Whatever the problem is, I am sure it can be treated. But please do not have sex until you are cured. It is likely that your new boyfriend will need treatment too.


Q Since I reached the age of 25, it seems that my seminal fluid have become thinner and lumpier.

Does this mean that I will not be able to have children?

A: The appearance of men's seminal fluid does change a lot at times, for no obvious reason. My guess is that you are fine. But if you are worried, you could ask a doctor to arrange a 'sperm count and microscopy' test for you.

Send comments/questions to: editor@gleanerjm.com and read more doctor's advice in the Saturday Gleaner.