'I didn't feel I had a purpose'

• Student testifies of suicidal feelings

Anastasia Cunningham, Senior Gleaner Writer

The brave, powerful testimony of 15-year-old Wolmer's Girls' School lower sixth-form student, Francesca Tavares, drove home the complexity of suicide.

Standing before a captivated audience at the Wyndham hotel in New Kingston yesterday, Tavares courageously shared her story of how severe depression led her to attempt to end her life.

The occasion was Choose Life International's third World Prevention Seminar, held under the theme 'Preventing Suicide in our Jamaican Society'. It was hosted by suicidologist and author, Dr Donovan Thomas, and his wife, Faith.

Eliciting both tears and laughter, the teen shared that for years, she was plagued by low self-esteem.

"I didn't feel I had a purpose. I didn't feel like my existence changed anything. I felt that I was taking up space and wasting oxygen," she shared.

Tavares said that listening to a lot of heavy rock music, which glorified and romanticised suicide as a viable option, only made matters worse.

Earlier this year, she felt it was time. She was no longer going to wrestle with the thought of killing herself. She was finally going to do it.

Feeling hopeless and out of options, Francesca drank a bottle of Cloralex (cleaning product), wrote a note in her journal, went to bed, and lay there waiting to die. But death never came and she could not understand why. She became angry that after all her efforts, her plan did not work.

She eventually told her mother, who got hysterical and immediately sought help.

It was the story of her godmother, who was herself a suicide survivor, that made the difference for Tavares.

"When I asked her what helped, she said God. I told her I have known God all my life and He hasn't helped me that much. But she introduced Him to me in a different way, and it inspired me to go on a search for God and a purpose," Tavares said.

She continued: "What I found at the end of the search was that purpose is from God and without Him your life is purposeless.

"As much as you (think you) want to die, you really don't want to. You want someone to save you. You want a hero to just rescue you. I don't think any human can do that the way God can," shared the young Christian.

After years of constantly getting low grades, today, she holds distinctions and credits in eight Caribbean Secondary Education Certificate subjects.

With the help of Choose Life, Tavares has a new lease on life, a bubbly personality, and radiant beauty and charm.

The president of Choose Life International said it was testimonies like this that have kept him committed to suicide prevention for some 25 years.

"Almost every day we get calls from people who are contemplating taking their own lives. The purpose of this seminar is to empower us so that we can help people to choose life," he stated.

Noting that over the past year there has been an upward trend in suicides, especially among children and adolescents, Dr Maureen Irons-Morgan of the Ministry of Health said, "Every suicide is a preventable death, and every suicide represents the tremendous suffering of the victims, their families, and friends."

anastasia.cunningham@gleanerjm.com