The case against (and for) Vybz Kartel

BY Din Duggan

If you're a fan of serious columnists such as Ian Boyne, Martin Henry and others, then put down the paper and step away. Immediately. You will consider this piece utter rubbish. But it's good to lighten up a bit, occasionally (no pun intended).

I'm a trained lawyer (except at family gatherings when Uncle Rupert wants to know if he'll have to split his Dennis Brown collection with Auntie P when they divorce, in which case, I'm merely a writer). While my focus was always on corporate matters, I did have a few opportunities in law school to play out my Perry Mason fantasies.

I interned at the Washington, DC, Public Defender's Office and the Atlanta District Attorney's Office. At trial, I successfully represented a Salvadorian family against a DC slumlord (Johnnie Cochran would have been proud). As such, I am declaring myself qualified to, at least in this column, both prosecute and defend embattled deejay Vybz Kartel, who is accused of marijuana possession and involvement in two murders. Below are my fictional legal examinations of Kartel. His words - consisting of his actual song lyrics - appear italicised.

The Prosecution

Can you please state your name for the record?

Me? Michael 'Cake Soap' Jackson.

Occupation?

Teacher.

Residence?

Gaza.

By Gaza, I imagine you mean Portmore. Why do you refer to Portmore as Gaza?

Portmore have the 'Haskella' weh mek big man bawl like Angela.

What is this 'Haskella' you speak of?

Tall rifle, tall handgun.

Have you ever owned or possessed any of these "tall rifles and handguns"?

Mi full ah gun pon the Gaza.

What sort of guns?

Tec, Ruger, Luger, Bryco, Beretta, Calico, Smith & Wesson, Heckler and Koch, Ingram, 14, M-16, plus mi Lorcin.

Any others?

Mi have a 12-gauge weh name Chester, buss up yu chest, sir, nozzle of the gun alone long like a dresser.

And how did you come to possess these guns?

Me get my rifle from US of A.

Have you ever used these rifles?

From school days we a shot man.

Are you a licensed firearm holder?

Mi buss mi gun without licence, shot bite off boy ears like Tyson.

It sounds as though you're a deejay by day and a gunman by night, no?

Mi murder people inna broad daylight.

Are you not afraid of being caught?

Mi buss mi gun dem anywhere you diss mi, sir, in front of the officer, bullet a turn them over, right in front the soldier.

Concerning the current charges, for what reason would you put your career on the line like this?

Mi shoot without a reason.

But what's the purpose?

Kill them all and done.

But why?

I'm evil.

The police have reportedly collected video, audio, and eyewitness evidence of your involvement in these crimes in Havendale and Portmore. How do you respond?

Straight jeans and fitted, inna white T-shirt we did it ... uptown, uptown same so we do it, we do it in Portmore.

Mr Kartel, you've made some very damaging statements.

Mi never mean to, please believe mi.

The prosecution rests.

Weh yu a run go? Mi just start up.

No further questions.

The bwoy run like a wounded dog, bruk Usain record.

The Defence

Sir, are you capable of taking a life?

No, no, no, no, no, life sweet.

Where were you at the time of the alleged murders?

Inna mi 'rampin shop'.

You're at the height of your music career. Would you be so stupid to get yourself arrested?

Mi nuh have time fi nuh jail time that a waste time, mind pon mi money and mi money pon mi mind.

I see. And what about the marijuana charges against you?

First thing mi do when mi wake up, burn a high-grade fi mi nerves first.

You mean you smoke marijuana for medicinal purposes?

Mi smoke trees 'til mi eyes bleed.

Where do you get this medicinal marijuana?

Straight from west on a town bus.

Do you have anything else to add?

A weh yu get da new Clarks deh, Dawdy?"

Sir, that's inappropriate, and not even your line in the song.

Oh!

One final question to the parents of Jamaica: Do you know who (or what) is influencing your children? These are the lyrics that penetrate their fragile minds daily. And in a country that has witnessed 15,000 of its citizens - including 1,500 children - murdered in a single decade, that's certainly no laughing matter.

Din Duggan is an attorney working as a consultant with a global legal search firm. Email him at columns@gleanerjm.com or dinduggan@gmail.com, or view his past columns at facebook.com/dinduggan and twitter.com/YoungDuggan.