Accountants, lawyers, 'play on!'

By Gordon Robinson

I'm in trouble again. This time, accountants, that drab species of homo not-so-sapiens who lack the charisma to become undertakers are after me. Lawyers too. The race is on to see who disciplines me first. I consider this a significant accomplishment, as normal racing rules between accountants and lawyers would make the slowest the winner. In my January 10 column about music ('The food of love'), I asserted that art, including music, was all about perspective. I wrote:

"Where accountants see only numbers, Toots used personal experience to create the seminal 54-46, That's My Number. Where lawyers see only precedents, Pluto created Your Honour."

Within hours, a demand letter from law firm Rancid, Boring & Co representing accountants arrived.

"Dear Mr Robinson,

Your suggestion that accountants have contributed nothing to music cannot go unchallenged. We appreciate libel laws are being changed to allow columnists to write anything, but your demeaning of a most honourable profession just isn't cricket. You falsely alleged that music and accountancy are incompatible.

Yet, without financial advice, Lennon and McCartney couldn't have penned Can't Buy Me Love:

"I'll buy you a diamond ring, my friend

if it makes you feel all right.

I'll get you anything, my friend

if it makes you feel all right.

'Cause I don't care too much for money;

money can't buy me love."

Our instructions are that when the song was being written, some of our clients interrupted their annual fun day highlight, the traditional adding up of the phone book contest, to rush to advise the songwriters against any such sentiment. Still, our advice was ignored:

"I'll give you all I've got to give

if you say you love me too.

I may not have a lot to give

but what I've got I'll give to you.

I don't care too much for money;

money can't buy me love."

Conniving lawyers

The follow-up, We Can Work It Out, also implies a degree of accounting expertise. We can now disclose that this song was written after the artistes interviewed extensively for advisers and on the advice of the accountant who won the job. Applicants from all walks of life were asked a test question: 'What's two plus two?' The first applicant, a columnist, replied, 'Twenty-two'. The second, a social worker, said, 'I don't know the answer, but I'm glad for the opportunity to discuss it.'

The third applicant, an engineer, used his slide rule and answered 'somewhere between 3.999 and 4.001'. Fourth, a lawyer answered 'in the case of Jenkins v the Treasury Department, two plus two was held by a two-to-one majority decision to be four.'

Finally, the accountant got up, closed the door, returned to his seat, leant across the desk, and, in a conspiratorial whisper, said, 'How much do you want it to be?'

"Try to see it my way.

Do I have to keep on talking till I can't go on?

While you see it your way,

run the risk of knowing that our love may soon be gone.

We can work it out.

We can work it out."

Adding injury to insult, I also received a letter from law firm Dumm, Koch, Orifice and Asinine representing lawyers containing this reprimand:

"Contrary to your vituperation, music throughout the years has benefited from many, varied legal inputs. Engelbert Humperdinck's Release Me was originally written as a plea for parole but altered on the advice of some idiot accountant. The Rolling Stones' Rough Justice was inspired by lawyers and George Harrison's Not Guilty was written after his lawyer's brilliant closing address to the jury."

Lord deliver us. Who's worse? Accountants or lawyers? Both look younger than they must be, using the number of hours they've billed clients as evidence. You be the judge after one last piece of anecdotal evidence.

Picture an accountant and a lawyer on a Hawaiian beach sipping mai tais. The lawyer explains how he got there. "I had this downtown property that caught fire. The insurance money paid for this." The accountant replies, "I had a downtown property, too. It got flooded, so I'm here on the insurance money." The lawyer sipping his mai tai asks in a hushed, awestruck tone, "How do you start a flood?"

I must thank my MP, Julian Robinson, who contacted me directly after last week Sunday's column with an update on the constituency's water woes and an explanation of the challenges ahead. Good start, Julian. Now let's see you operate outside the box to overcome those challenges.

Peace and love.

Gordon Robinson is an attorney-at-law. Email feedback to columns@gleanerjm.com.