Q: My husband is a cheater. When I met him, he told me he was having serious problems in his marriage. He said his wife was neglecting him and not giving him enough sex. And he was unhappy and stayed in the marriage for the children. He even accused her of only wanting his money as he was a good provider. So I started the relationship while he was still married. He did confess that he had cheated on his wife for the above reasons, but it was different with me and he wanted to settle down with me. In fact, he did marry me after a few years. The sex was very good and every time we had a chance we would have sex. We would go on the north coast or a Kingston hotel for weekends and one time we went overseas and had a glorious time. We travelled separately, but arrived at the same venue for our tryst. It was discreet until the divorce. These were the happiest days of my life. When he divorced his wife, we had a small, intimate, beautiful, wedding ceremony. We were very happy and everyone thought this would last. But to my dismay, I have found out that I married a cheater. He has admitted to cheating on me, not once, but with three different women. I have never cheated on him. In fact, I despise cheaters because marriage vows are sacred. To compound matters, we hardly have sex anymore and it is not because I do not want to, but he is showing little interest. I work in his business, but we are more like co-workers than husband and wife. I am frustrated that he is still a cheater. Where did I go wrong and what can I do to change him?
A: It is commendable that you never cheated on your husband. However, you need to recognise that you helped him to cheat on his previous wife. Therefore you should not display such a 'holier than thou' attitude. Happily, you have changed and you are no longer engaging in such a lifestyle.
As you are now discovering, as a Jamaican saying puts it, 'the same knife that stick sheep, stick goat', meaning the same misfortune that befell the previous wife can happen to you. And just perhaps he is using the same argument to the other women telling them that he is unhappy and not getting enough sex from his wife and you are after his money.
You need to tell him that you are disgusted with his present lifestyle and openly admit that what you both did in the past was a mistake and you want to start a fresh with no more cheating on his part. You cannot change your husband, but you can try and persuade him that a marriage based on fidelity is the way forward and that is what you sincerely desire.
Sometimes the thrill of the forbidden fruit drives some men, and when that is not there with you, he is seeking other cheap excitement through having extramarital relationships. You need to ascertain what he wants out of the marriage and what his attitude towards sexual intimacy is. Hopefully you can have similar values, otherwise you will be in for a rocky marriage which might not last, similar to what happened in the previous marriage.
It appears that you are not only dependent on your husband emotionally, but also financially. This might make him feel that you have to accept his cheating lifestyle. If he does not respond to you positively about changing his ways, then you have to plan your economic future and exit strategy. You might want to acquire other skills and start looking for employment or creating other means of employment.