Q. I really hope you can help me, because there is no one else I can turn to with this problem. I am so ashamed, I can not bring myself to ask anyone for advice in person, but I urgently need to solve this issue.
I am a recently married woman and I have been blessed with a child. My husband is an amazing man and father. He has always been a very sociable person. He has lots of friends from high school, university and work.
When we met at university, it was his outgoing personality and charm that drew me to him. But now that we are married, I think he should stop going out as much. When I told him my feelings, he got angry with me. He insisted that time out with his friends was important for networking, because they know people in high places.
A popular line of his is that he is doing it for me and the baby and if he didn't have to, he wouldn't. I didn't really buy that, but I was trying to be a good wife and not make it a big issue.
Then one night I noticed something that I found a little weird. When my husband got home and undressed, his back looked as if it had been oiled. I know that I didn't lotion his back before he left in the morning and it's impossible for him to lotion his own back entirely. So common sense told me someone else must have done it for him.
I didn't want to jump to conclusions and accuse him, so I said nothing. When he went out the following week, I noticed the same thing. During the week, his back would come home dry, but not Friday night when he went out "networking". I am now convinced that he is seeing someone else, but I have not confronted him. I love him and my life with him. My daughter deserves to have her father in her life. I fear that bringing it up will destroy my family. I am not against trying to work it out and forgive him, but suppose he wants to leave. That would devastate me. Should I just leave it alone?
A. There are many persons who believe that time will work out things. So if one leaves it alone, it will be solved by some magic. Unfortunately, time might help us forget some of the details, but it does not solve the problem. You have started the process of solving the problem by acknowledging that there is a problem and then the next step is to confront your husband.
It makes no sense to be in a relationship and you are afraid to ask pertinent questions out of fear that he would leave you. You need to have confidence in yourself to believe that if he leaves you and your daughter, then he would have been worse off. Marriage is a mutual affair and he is not better than you.
You have noticed some suspicious activities by your husband. And you need to gather other information to ascertain with more certainty that he is having an affair. He could claim that he went to a massage parlour to get destressed and that is why he has oil on his back. Therefore, you should offer to go with him on his networking functions and see his reaction, which could tell a story if he is adamant that you cannot attend. In addition, you could appear unannounced at one of these networking parties to get a better picture of what is happening.
As a start, you should warn him about being unfaithful and encourage him to be faithful to you, the family, and the marital vows. Remind him that you love him and plan to be faithful to him as long as you live. In addition, you should designate one day per week as family night when you play games together, read together or go out and have fun. Having an annual vacation or attending a marriage retreat can spice up the marriage.
Asking these questions will not put your marriage in any more danger. Just seek honest answers and be loving in doing it.
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