Sat | Sep 24, 2016

Is my husband a cheater?

Published:Tuesday | December 18, 2012 | 12:00 AM

Q: My husband is hardworking and wants us to be financially comfortable now and in retirement. My problem with my husband is that he is secretive, and I don't know what to do. He has a business that he is not telling me about. In fact, when the business was having an opening, he had an intimate function and I was not aware of it and, therefore, was not invited. When our friends asked why I was absent and not deeply involved in the function and operations, I told them I did not know anything about it. They reacted with amazement. Some of the friends were even wondering whether he had a woman who was in the business with him, which was why he didn't want me to know anything about it.

Furthermore, every weekend he goes to the business place and does not come home until Sunday night. And whenever I ask him where he slept, he says on his friend's couch. Whenever he says he is at the business place and I try calling him, he says his phone was on silent.

When he comes home and wants to have sex with me, I become very angry, and I don't know why I feel so angry. I don't know if I am exaggerating, but I crave your advice.

A: It is commendable that your husband is hardworking and wants the family to be comfortable; however, your husband needs to understand that marriage is a partnership. Even the law of the land recognises it is a partnership and that in the case of a divorce, the wife can make a claim of 50 per cent of all assets. Marriage partners must share in the good times and bad times, for better, for worse, and for richer, for poorer. It means that your husband is making a mistake by not involving you in the planning, especially in a business.

secret business

It appears that your friends are sending you a signal when they noticed and asked about your absence from the opening of his business. It is expected that you would have played a role as hostess at the intimate gathering. There is no excuse for your exclusion.

Why is the business a secret? Is he involved in something illegal, or is he involved with another woman? It is highly irregular that he has to be at the business place every weekend and he sleeps on a friend's couch - and coincidentally, that his phone is always on silent.

He seems to be avoiding contact with you on weekends. He does not want to be disturbed. You need to 'do the maths'. He could have another family, or a secret life.

You need to tell him that you are not comfortable with the arrangement and it is making you angry and making you lose interest in sex and in him, and if there is no change then you have to take other steps.

You need to ascertain the name of his friend where he sleeps and ask for the friend's phone number. If there is a landline, then you should call him while he is at his friend's, or call the friend's cellphone.

You should surprise him and visit him one weekend. Tell him you want to sleep on his friend's couch. You need to prepare for the worst because your worst fears might be realised. It could be that the friend's couch that he is sleeping on belongs to a female friend.

You are not exaggerating the problems. His behaviour is not acceptable, and it is understandable that you would be angry. He needs to change.