Thu | Jun 21, 2018

SUNDAY SAUCE - The Oxy Awards 2012

Published:Sunday | January 13, 2013 | 12:00 AM
These three stilt men caught the eyes of curious young patrons during an Independence Day fair held at the Closed Harbour 'Dump-Up' beach in Montego Bay. The Most Uninspiring and Unmemorable Event of the Year was Jamaica 50 celebrations. - Photo by Christopher Thomas
Simpson Miller
West Indies players celebrate with the trophy after their win over Sri Lanka in the ICC Twenty20 Cricket World Cup final match in Colombo, Sri Lanka. - AP

Oxy Moron, Contributor

2012, the year of Jamaica's 50th Independence anniversary, was quite bland, except for the dazzling display by some of our athletes on the Olympic tracks in London.

Yet, amid the dreary state of affairs and underachievement, some things and people really stood out, who I really feel compelled to give them an Oxy Award. Unfortunately, just like the Urban Development Corporation, Students Loan Bureau, National Water Commission, Kingston Wharf, National Housing Trust, Jamaica Defence Force, Jamaica Constabulary Force, Jamaica Cultural Development Commission, National Solid Waste Management Authority, JEEP and the Government, I am in the red and orange, and will not be able to hold a glitzy ceremony this year.

But, I would like to publicly recognise the following persons and organisations for not being so boring in 2012. They have all put a smile on my face in these harsh financial climes and I am indeed very grateful.

The Most Uninspiring and Unmemorable Event of the Year was Jamaica 50 celebrations. There were songs (one very Shaggy, and the other not-so-Shaggy), two ministers entangled in a cat fight, two secretariats, a $41-million sound system bill, and a whole heap of black, green and gold cloth draped all over the country. But apart from those, I have no stories to tell my yet-to-be-born grandchildren. Granny would say, it went like Sammy mouth.

No pork barrel

Now, just when I thought Paris Hylton had the award for Famous for Being Famous locked, it was wrenched from her bosom by the dreadlocked one in Parliament, the same one who came under fire from his constituents for not putting pork into the barrel.

The Biggest Waste of Money Award for the Year sits on the lap of the Jamaican Government. For the London Olympics they 'shelled dung' one million pounds to promote Jamaica. Now, the winter tourist season is upon us, and I, Oxy Moron, am searching with a magnifying glass for the tourists from Europe who are pushing and fighting to get on to a plane to Jamaica. Ah mean, it was money well spent, come on, Europeans, you can't embarrass the Government like that. I'm waiting.

The Frankest Man on Earth Award belongs, without a question, on the desk of that member of Parliament from St James, he who abandoned the licky-licky, nyammy-nyammy ones in his constituency on conference day, and then went on to lambaste them in one of our national dailies. As 'Uriah Preach' did, he lashed them with a tongue as sharp as Mama's for their curry goat-and-rum mentality. And they were as silent as a lamb.

The member from the west is also the recipient of The Biggest Wardrobe Malfunction in the History of the Jamaican Parliament Award. Might I remind you about those disgusting pants that would not stay on the MP's rotund belly?

The Riot of The Year took place in the House of Parliament. But why bother to give an award when there is always a riot going on in there between the Green and Orange gangs. Well, they turned the House into a fish market, and that was the clincher.

The Minister Most Out of Depth and Out of Place twiddles her thumbs in the Ministry of Youth and Culture. Twenty years ago, she had the world at her pretty feet. Now, it seems as if she has the world on her shoulders, thus her undetached demeanour.

The Most Sanctimonious and Upright Person Award must be embraced by the minister of education. However, I am still waiting to know how he got his pious visage superimposed on the Jamaica Flag. Someone is missing a halo.

From the depths of cricket graveyard they batted, and bowled, and caught, and ran back to their winning ways. Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, 'bandwagonists', all, I present to you, the West Indies Cricket Team, the Comeback Team of the Year. Well done! No more 'tracing' from Oral Tracy, now.

The Oxy Award for The Biggest Social, Political and Diplomatic Faux Pas must be placed at the entrance to the St James Parish Council, which churlishly and unashamedly ripped the green out of the Jamaica flag. Why is someone still sitting in his mayoral chair?

There is a tie for the Oxy Moron Biggest Loser of The Year Award: Germaine Gonzales, the woman who claimed she dumped Usain Bolt, Ezroy Millwood, and Oxy Moron.

And, in all of this, no one, absolutely no one, is most deserving of the award for Worker of the Year than Mama herself. She who is always working, working, working, on the JEEP.

Congrats to you all, and remember, I need a more exciting 2013. All the best!