Doctor's Advice - Toying with my best friend's husband
Q. My best friend has just divorced her husband, a few weeks back. And he is now asking me to go to bed with him. The truth is, Doc, that I do feel sorry for him. He did not want this divorce, which was entirely at her instigation. And since it happened, he has been real distraught. He cries quite a bit. And he does not seem to be able to look after himself.
In fact, I have been round to the house several times, to do some cooking and cleaning for him. He is real grateful, and says I am 'the best of true friends'.
But the other day when I was helping out at his place, he grabbed me by the wrist and begged me to kiss him. He said: 'I am so lonely. You do understand, don't you?' And my heart became full of sorrow for him. I must admit, Doc, I did kissed him. This is a difficult situation because the lady has been my closest pal from we were at school together. I have not told her that I have been visiting her ex.
Well, things have now gone a little further. Last night, I did his shopping for him at the plaza, and then cooked us both a meal. As we were sitting there eating it, he suddenly asked me to come to bed with him. I refused. But I am sure he will issue the same invitation again! He is a pretty sexy guy. What do you think I should do, Doc? I have studied a little human psychology. Are there psychological problems which are likely to arise in this situation?
A. You bet there are! This guy is your best friend's ex-husband, and it is only a few weeks since they divorced. It is likely that he and she are both in quite a vulnerable psychological state as a result of the split-up.
So for you to go to bed with her husband at this time could cause all sorts of difficulties. Please consider the feelings of your good friend. How would she react if she suddenly found out that you were having sex with her ex? I think that could well be the end of your lifelong friendship with her.
I have known similar cases to yours. I remember one in which a man who had just been divorced seemed to be unable to look after himself. So his wife's best friend took pity on him and tried to care for him. In no time, they were in bed together. And a year later, they were married. Not surprisingly, the two women never spoke to each other again.
Also, many persons broke off all social contact with the 'new' wife. They felt she had betrayed her friend.
I am not saying that you are going to end up marrying this guy. It is possible that you could just have a brief affair with him, make him feel better about himself, and then move out of his life. But it seems to me that while he is in his present vulnerable state, the last thing he needs is a confusing emotional entanglement with his ex-wife's best pal.
So my advice to you is to cut this business short. You should stop going round to his house. And you should definitely not have sex with him. You have done enough 'charitable' work for him. Maybe now you should concentrate on looking after your lifelong friend.
Q. I am considering going on hormone replacement therapy (HRT), Doc. But my
own doctor keeps talking about potential dangers of this treatment. And
I notice where you have said the same thing in your column. But
what are these dangers to women, please? Are they
A. Until a few years ago, HRT
was thought to be very safe indeed. But it has now become clear that
there are certain risks to women. The main ones are:
- Thrombosis (clotting) in veins
- Cancer of the womb
of the breast
- Cancer of the ovary
- Coronary heart disease (in older women).
But don't get
too alarmed. The increased risk is fairly small. So
most docs think that it is OK for women who have bad menopausal symptoms
to take HRT for a year or two. After that, you should review the
situation with your doctor.
Q. I am a guy who
has just got married, and to my surprise my bride is real keen to give
me oral sex. She is a lady of considerable
experience. But I am not so sure about this, Doc! I am
rather scared of the idea of having that done to me. What is your
A. Well, fellatio (which is
oral sex performed on a man) isn't compulsory in a marriage. And it is
certainly not every man's 'cup of tea'. Some guys are quite afraid that
they will get damaged by the teeth - though in practice that is rare.
However, your fears are obviously genuine. So I think
your wife has to be reasonable about this. Marriage is a question of
give-and-take. And in this instance, she wants to 'give' but you
definitely don't want to
Q. Doc, how often should a
guy of 35, such as me, have sex each
A. There is no 'should' about
it. Where sex is concerned, it is best if people just choose the
frequency that seems right for them.
However, if you
want to know the average, then I can tell you that statisticians have
worked that out. They say that guys who are in their 30s are likely to
have sex around two times for the week. But that is only an average, and
there is no reason at all why someone shouldn't have intercourse more
often, or less often, than that.
Q. I am
pregnant for the fifth time, and I really do not want to be. I have
several illnesses. Doc, there is a woman living near me who says she can
take care of pregnancies for a fee. Do you think I
should try this? Would it be
A. No, it wouldn't. This lady is
offering what are sometimes termed 'back street abortions'. Such
procedures are illegal. And it's very important to realise that they can
badly damage your health.
Why? Because they can cause
serious bleeding and infection. Sometimes the result is that the woman
becomes sterile, or has long-term ill-health. And occasionally, she
dies. So please don't go and see this
If you feel that there is any chance that you
have extreme medical reasons which justify a termination of the
pregnancy, then consult a doc immediately. Under the Jamaica Offences
Against the Person Act of 1864, augmented by a Ministerial Statement of
1975, a doctor can carry out an abortion in exceptional circumstances,
for instance if childbirth would create a threat to the woman's
life. But at all costs, stay away from illegal