André Wright, Opinion Editor
You may not have heard, but the HMS Mama, fully stocked with shotta cops and police academy instructors, has set sail for Britain to bomb the bejesus out of Buckingham Palace. Beware, enemies of the State!
The military action has been triggered by the revelation that Britisher Les 'White Man' Green and Andrew 'Quisling' Holness have forged a deal with the Devil to bring down this fair isle of Jamdown. All the gushing goodwill over VW's 'boss man' ad and Beyoncé's bootylicious Super Bowl Dutty Wine has been torpedoed by Quisling and White Man.
Nothing like gunboat diplomacy to show who's the real "boss lady", and the HMS Mama can sure fire off.
Andrew Holness hasn't yet confessed to being an enemy of the State but alarmists squeal that his life is in danger. Cannonball coming!
Says the PM: "When I was leader of Opposition, I did everything I could to protect the interest of the nation. Leaders must be careful when we speak, but my years in Government and governance do not allow me to make certain errors."
Is Mrs Simpson Miller serious? If only she had watched the news from 2007-2011, she'd perhaps have seen a different Portia than the one she speaks of. Dreams become reality, and so, too, do "nightmares". In Opposition, she sang to the same 'negative', 'country-mash-up' soundtrack as Andrew Holness.
The PM doesn't like 'negativity'. Nor do Jamaicans, especially from 'dem renk and feisty white people' whose forebears brutalised and brainwashed Afro-Caribbeans over three centuries of colonialism and postcolonialism. OK, vent, get it out of your system, and breathe. Now plug your brain back into the socket of sensibility.
Evil White Man comes here and tells us that our police force is lazy, inefficient and stuck in the Stone Age. Of course, we melanin-endowed Jamaicans say this every day - and worse - but it's not right for a foreigner to throw mud.
HANG HIM AND QUARTER HIM
Here's the evidence on which White Man should be charged with being an enemy of the State:
1. "When I first went [to Jamaica], the forensic capability was very poor."
2. "It still takes up to two years to get DNA results, unlike in the UK where you can get them in two days. In Jamaica, there is nothing like the sense of urgency I had in the UK where I would send someone out to take a statement and they would do it immediately. Here, I could send someone out for weeks on end and eventually they would come back with a statement."
3. "If a pretty girl walks past, they will look at the pretty girl instead of what they are doing. There is always tomorrow, always another time to do something. There's always a drink or a pretty woman to distract them."
4. "It would take an age to get any official documentation because everything is paper and you physically have to go and collect the paperwork."
But these allegations are all lies, I tell you, lies from White Man. After all, the average Jamaican knows that our police force is humming with high-tech forensic ability with promises by Ministers Peter I and Peter II of pouring billions of dollars into shoring up investigative capacity.
We have the finest DNA testing framework, which works most efficiently in tabloid, THE STAR, where 'bun-fi-bun' is outed when spouses spar over who got a 'jacket' or a 'full suit'.
Every Jamaican will tell you that his friendly neighbourhood cop will never succumb to the temptation of booze or boobs. Well, there was that one time when a cop flagged me down in Emancipation Square, Spanish Town, for not wearing my seat belt. After a lip-smacking threat that he would enjoy ticketing a Gleaner journalist for writing "bad story pon di police all di time", he was "distracted" by a sexy girl walking nearby. Deep into convo, he told me to run along, ticketless, as he was too busy trying to get into her pants.
And if you've ever gone to report a traffic accident or theft at a police station, you'll see Constable Slumber Bumbler tapping in your account of the incident on his iPad and saving to database. Allegations about 45-minute torture as Constable SB sucks his teeth, orders lunch, and practises painstaking penmanship are all lies. Of course, Les Green sounds like an echo of that other White Man and British police export.
There's a simple solution: Get rid of the bad-mouthing white cops, with their alleged racial stereotypes and over-the-top Mugabe-esque generalisations, and tie the tongues of propagandists of negativism like Holness. Don't spend time and money fixing the obvious. Things will naturally improve. Right?
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