Oxy Moron, Contributor
Last night, I had a strange vision, and it's the most poignant I ever had. Two of my ancestors appeared to me to say that Jamaica is really in deep crap, and it has been this way since obeah was outlawed by their white slave masters. They said the current debate over obeah and flogging is most welcome, but there can only be one outcome.
The law forbidding the practice of obeah must be abolished once and for all, no ifs and no buts, because, right now, only obeah can save the Jamaican economy, especially in these days of lazy hottie-hottie bwoy and gal who dress up to go nowhere, but want to nyam a food three times a day.
The island, they said, is in a deeper crisis than Mama and Papa want us to believe, and the only way we are going to get that IMF money is to obeah the IMF. Yes, obeah them for that drawdown, and it cannot be just another obeah spell. It must be super potent, and must involve the entire nation, because as Mama and Papa said on national TV, we are all in it together. And by the time we are finished with the IMF, they will forget that they had even lent us a cent.
However, in order for the obeah to be effective, we have to unite and acquire certain ingredients for the charms. It might seem Herculean, they said, but they had gone through worse. They had sacrificed their blood, sweat and tears to set us free, so it's now our time to set ourselves free from the economic quagmire in which we have found ourselves. So, the following are the things we need to get to obeah the IMF:
One hundred strands of Mama's hair, when it is not dyed, 50 pounds of ugly fat from Papa's belly, a big piece of Baby Bruce's nose bridge, three yards of War Minton's last nerve, half of Man A Yard's ego, 10 strands of hair from the backside of a pregnant mangoose, 10 John Crow tail feathers, 10 boxes of senseh fowl eggs, and 10 pounds of desecrated iguana testicles. These must be ground into a powder. Mama must then lead a huge delegation to the headquarters of the IMF and make sure that every corner of every office is sprinkled with the powder.
dinner at Vale Royal
Mama and Papa must invite all the top officials of the IMF to dinner at Vale Royal and make sure they all have a drink concocted from 10 vials of the urinary excrement of a demented puss, 10 jars of screech owl spit, 10 gallons of bullfrog sweat, and the mucus from the eyes of 10 rabid mongrel dogs. When they are fast asleep, drunken by the concoction, Mama's assistants must cut the hair from their nostrils, wrap them in parchment paper, and bury them deep at the foot of a cotton tree in St Mary.
To seal the obeah, we need 100 cans of wild hog flatulence, 10 vials of ram goat aroma, 1,000 jars of St Thomas crocodile's breath, and 10 plastic bottles of the odor from 10 pushcart operators in Coronation Market. With these, Papa must lead the hot gal and hot bwoy dem to the Blue Mountain Peak and let them release them into the air so that they can be blown to the four corners of the Earth.