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SUNDAY SAUCE: No Patois in Heaven

Published:Sunday | March 17, 2013 | 12:00 AM

Oxy Moron, Contributor

It's Judgement Day. Miss Joyce and several other Jamaicans who are lucky to have their names written in the Lamb's Book of Life have just stepped through the Pearly Gates.

There's excitement galore as Miss Joyce sprints away to secure her place in the bosom of Jesus. And there he is, The Bright and Glorious Morning Star. Miss Joyce goes down on her knees and raises her arms in adoration and exclaims:

"Lawd Geesas, Lawd Geesas, tenk yuh Gawd, fi let mi inna yuh Kingdom. Mi use fi worship yuh nite an day, sometimes pon 'ungry belly becausen say nutten nah gwaan dung a Jamaica. Mi laba was not in vain. Lawd! Lawd mi glad fi si yuh soh till! Look how yuh yeye dem blue, look how yuh 'air pretty and tall, tall, jus lakka how yuh look pon de alminac dem.

"Pupa Geesas, look how yuh gown nice an white! A nuff bleach yuh mussi use fi wash it. Yuh a di bes! Yuh a di greatis! Di Saveya of di world. Yuh cum di rite time, jus as wen dem wen goh blow it up wid dem new clear boom. Respec due, man!"

reverend intervenes

And just as Miss Joyce is about to step nearer to Jesus to lose herself in his godly and holy embrace, a certain reverend (the same one who reprimanded a certain lawmaker about his use of non-standard English in a certain upper house) intervenes.

Says he, "Miss Joyce! Sorry to break your flow, but might I remind you that only standard English must be spoken in Heaven. If Patois must not be used in the Upper House, then it goes without saying, it cannot be used in Heaven. Child of God, how dare you speak to the Lord in that bugguyagga language. Oh dear! Did I say bugguyagga?" Then, away he goes to tell the other speakers of Patois to return to Jamaica to learn standard English. And Jesus weeps, for the reverend.

He looks at Miss Joyce, with tears welling up in her own eyes. Jesus smiles, holds her hand, and breaks out in song and dance.

"Come mi dear.

Dis lang time gal mi a wait pon yuh,

cum mek wi wheel an tun.

Dis lang time gal mi neva see yuh,

cum mek mi hol' yuh 'an.

Peel head John Crow siddung pon tree top,

pick out di blossom,

cum mek mi hole yuh an gal,

cum mek mi hol' yuh an."

As Jesus and Miss Joyce dance around the throne of God, she is saying in her heart: "A grudge di reverent grudge mi becausen say Geesas a chat wid mi an nuh hab no yeye fi see 'im. As lang as mi an 'im up yah mi nah chat to 'im, 'im too bad min'."

Jesus reads her thoughts and says, "No worry, mi chile, wait till 'im fine out say mi can tawk patwa tuh, 'im a goh drop dung!"

With that, Jesus puts his arms around her and squeezes her to His bosom. And instead of taking in all of the comfort, she is wondering what kind of baby powder Jesus sprinkled in His bosom why it smells so sweet.