Q I was in a relationship with my boyfriend for seven years. We were inseparable until two years ago when he broke up with me. It was the worst day of my life. I could not eat and did not sleep well. I could not concentrate on my work and almost lost my job. I thought my boyfriend and I had a firm foundation and that our relationship was making progress.
We would go to the north coast on weekends. I had Christmas dinners with his parents. He would visit my parents' home. His parents like me and my parents adore him.
To be honest, I was expecting him to propose to me. There were relatives and friends who had a similar expectation. It was a big shocker when they heard that we were not together.
After some time of not talking, we reconnected and have been trying to be friends. However, I found out that eight months after we broke up, he began dating a girlfriend of mine who became our mutual friend. I was kind of hurt, but hopeful when I found this out because she does not usually hold a relationship long because she gets clingy and obsessive.
Knowing this, I was hoping he would realise how good I was after some time with her and that he would come back to me. That did not happen and I kept seeing them together. I didn't think it could get any worse until I received an invitation from him to his wedding. This is driving me crazy. I want to be a supportive friend, but I want my man back after all the time I've invested. She is getting the man I love. What should I do to cope?
A It seems that your exboyfriend was insensitive in sending you an invitation to his wedding to your friend. At the very least, he should have prepared you for this eventuality and then have a face to face and tell you that he is moving on and will get married. You should not have become aware of his decision via an invitation.
In addition, since you are still upset, in love with him and do not genuinely wish them well, then you should not attend the wedding. Just respond to the RSVP and decline the offer without giving any explanation.
That you did not see it coming is a cause for concern. You were so blinded by the faults of your competition that you failed to see the good side of her. She must have some good qualities, otherwise she could not be your friend and clearly your ex-boyfriend saw those qualities and decided to take the plunge.
It appears that your ex thought your faults worse than the clingy and obsessive attitude of his bride-to-be and that her good qualities are superior to yours.
You were right to expect marriage would follow a seven-year relationship. Additionally, you were integrally involved in each others' lives; you attended significant family gatherings together and seemed to be living like man and wife. In the future, you should not give your all before he makes a commitment.
For your own sake, you need to get over him and move on. You should genuinely want to see them succeed in marriage and be happy. If you cannot do that then you need to see a counsellor to help you over this rough patch. Please do not harbour any thoughts of taking him back if his marriage fails. Stay far from him.