Mon | Apr 23, 2018

Asafa Powell's next life

Published:Monday | October 21, 2013 | 12:00 AM
Asafa Powell

The Soloist, Contributor

Those who know me, know that I am the ultimate Asafa Powell fan, through thick and thin. So even in the face of the recent drug scandals affecting a number of our athletes, the only who I am concerned about is Asafa. I love him in the same way that I love actor Denzel Washington. Whereas I feel a strong sexual attraction for Wesley Snipes, with Powell and Washington it's more like hero worship.

I could lock them in a glass case and admire them all day and all night. I feel towards them the way most mothers feel about their children. I want to protect them from harm. I don't want to hear an ill word spoken about them. So, for all of you who think I am lusting at Powell's sexuality in his 2014 calendar, I am not. I think he is fabulous and I am sorry his exploits on the track were not all successful.

But, seriously Asafa, you don't need that. I have a list of 10 things I would pay you handsomely to do. Yes, if I had all the gold in the world to spare, I would give you a gold bar every week to do the following just for me.

1. Pose for all my calendars for the next 20 years.

2. Chauffeur me around everywhere, every day.

3. Be the top sales agent at my Mercedes-Benz showroom.

4. Manage my exclusive men's fine clothing shop.

4. Be the live model at my exclusive men's swim trunks store.

5. Drive the tractor on my farm or my lawnmower topless!

6. Be the model I pay to sit while Howard Moo Young sketches you in running gear.

7. Escort me to all high-society events and make all the envious women's minds run wild with thoughts of why me and not them.

8. Be my personal trainer.

9. Where other people need a female administrative assistant/secretary, you could be mine.

10. Heck, just sit around doing nothing within my line of sight.

You see Asafa, forget the track, you know you are going to freeze at the wrong moment or damage your groin and cause the haters to say nasty things about you. I am sure you have already made lots of money and you look like you have made wise investments. So, just focus on using your best asset to make even more money for you in future - your gorgeous body.

Congratulations on the calendar and when they come out, I hope I get the first one.

Women With Guns

Just when you thought you had seen every atrocity under the sun in Jamaica, women have again shown that they are every bit as good or even better than men. Recently, there has been an increase in the number of crimes being committed by women. Last week they were involved in a daring attempted robbery of a cab driver.

Well, I salute women who are brave enough to enter a man's world and take over their jobs and I know that it's sometimes necessary when the men are wutliss and dead beat. But girls, a nuh everyting oono fe tek up pan oono head ... seriously, I hope when the cops rough oono up like dutty criminal oono nuh bawl fe mercy. And I hope the usual bleeding hearts keep their sympathetic comments to themselves. Have a great Heroes Day.

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