Q: I have been married to a wonderful, kind, hardworking and honest man for two and a half years. We are both professionals with master's degrees, good jobs, cars and a lovely home on a hill. However, we have been trying to have children for almost two years without success. Everybody knows I am desperate for our first child. We ensure we have sex at the right or best time for conception but nothing happens. We try the most likely position for conception and nothing happens. This will be the third Christmas family gathering at his parents' home. All his three brothers and two sisters have children. I wish I did not have to face his relatives as I feel that they are wondering what is happening. At my workplace, I find the questions and statements insensitive. I do not know what else to do.
A. It is regrettable that there are persons at your workplace who make you feel less than a woman because you have no children. Furthermore, you should not be hesitant to tell persons who pass unkind or unsuitable comments about you not having a baby that you do not welcome those comments and that you find some cruel, upsetting and distasteful.
Childbearing is a privilege and a gift and has little to do with your skill, positioning, or sexual capability. In addition, childbearing is only one aspect of marriage. Marriage is an institution to share unconditional love and a pledge to give one's self fully and completely to another on a constant basis. It is a pledge, also, to be there for the other partner for better for worse, in sickness or health. Therefore, you need to focus on building your relationship with your husband otherwise even sex will be less than fulfilling because you are concentrating on childbearing.
Sometimes couples take long to have a child and you just need to be patient. Please remember that almost two years is not an awfully long time to be trying for a baby. You can consult a gynaecologist about what can be done to enhance the possibility of childbearing.
Additionally, go to family gatherings and enjoy yourself and make the most of the time with your relatives' children. Try and change your attitude towards your childlessness and turn your pain into a positive. You could foster a child for Christmas. In addition, you can offer to babysit other children when parents have appointments and they need someone to help.
Finally, always keep adopting a child as an option. There are many children who lack loving and competent parents, so you and your husband should consider that as a practical alternative.
In the meantime, enjoy the relationship with your husband and recognise there are advantages of not having children around, including having more time for each other, going out together, and more involvement in social activities. Furthermore, the qualities you admire in your husband, you should make sure you tell him that you appreciate those qualities. Never let him feel less than a man because of childlessness.