Wanting to fix my son's relationship
Q: I am concerned about my 'daughter', who is my son's ex-girlfriend. I call her my daughter because she means nothing less than a daughter to me. I love her like my own. She has the warmest attitude and the kindest of souls. Any parent would happily welcome her into the family. I was so proud of my son when he made their relationship official. I knew he was getting a virtuous girl by his side. Instantly, I treated her as one of my children and cared deeply for her. She truly is a lovely young woman who can light up any room with a smile. I am willing to do anything to help them get back together as I know she is the right one for my son. I am extremely disappointed about the way in which they broke up. Also, I am very upset with him as she has sacrificed so much for their relationship. The distress he has caused her is huge. During the course of the last year of their relationship, they began experiencing challenges which became unbearable. She and I became really inseparable so she was comfortable about telling me the problems they were having. Apparently, my son thought she was cheating and told her she was with him for the wrong reasons. It was not true and it was obvious that the problem was with him. I tried talking to him and even threatened to kick him out of the house, as it was grossly unfair for him to treat her like that after four years. I know he is still in love with her and she loves him dearly. He needs to come to his senses because a girl like her is rare. The girl has lost her spark. I am trying everything to console her, even promised to get them back together. He once told me that there is no one else for him, so I know they are meant to be. How do I help them both? I do not want my son to end up with anyone who doesn't want the best for him.
A: It appears that you are too involved in the love life of your son. Perhaps it was not the smartest thing for his girlfriend to be telling you about their problems in detail. She can tell you a few things but you were too deeply involved, close to the end of the relationship. It could be that he is also reacting to you seemingly being on her side and being so close to her and not understanding him and not being as close to him.
You need to have a candid discussion with your son and be open-minded and be willing to entertain the thought that she might not be the right person for him. In addition, you should not make it seem as if she is the only person he could be happy with. There are always other options for him and her.
However, if your son is ill-treating his girlfriend and is ungrateful for all that she has done then you need to tell him lovingly. He needs to be appreciative of good care and love.
Finally, you need to back off and allow your son and his girlfriend to get independent counselling.