Sun | Dec 4, 2016

30 pieces of Kelly's World advice. Hmm, so Flair is 30. Tun big woman!

Published:Monday | October 6, 2014 | 12:00 AM

In an ideal world, 2014 would be my 30th birthday, so easy column there. Alas, I'm 33. Maybe I could tell of things I wanted to accomplish before I got to 30. While it would make interesting reading, it would have made for even more depressing writing as I haven't achieved most of them - (no wife, no children, etc.). So I decided to try my hand at 30 pieces of advice. Now hear me out. As a mentally disturbed individual, I have a different perspective on things. So here goes (in no particular order of preference, plausibility or craziness, illegality or comedic value).

1. Never try to kill a '40-leg' by stepping on it with flip-flops. Unless yuh foot heavy, it wi bite yuh same way!

2. Unless you rich like Lee Chin, never spend too much money when yuh go pon vacation.

3. Don't cuss other drivers, because yuh might get inna argument wid smaddy more psychotic than you.

4. Every now and then, grab your hair like you're stressed even if you aren't.

5. Try to write full words even when you're sending a text.

6. If you think you're allergic to beer, drink rum.

7. If you think you're allergic to rum, drink it anyway.

8. Seek counselling if you get depressed when you hear a certain area doesn't have Wi-Fi.

9. If you have a foot fetish, don't look for work at a shoe store; you'll get fired very quickly.

10. Beg for money when it's your absolute last resort.

11. Tek time wid 'slow' people.

12. Run weh idiot people.

13. Visit the inner city and get to know its people when you can.

14. Visit uptown and get to know its people, only if you have to.

15. Don't punch walls unless they're made of something other than concrete.

16. Listen to all genres of music; you must find even one song from each that yuh like.

17. If you start eating in a restaurant and see a rat running by, finish the meal. Done gone bad already!

18. Don't get into arguments with police/soldiers/security guards/gunmen aka anyone who carries a gun for a living.

19. For the guys: don't run dung pretty woman.

20. For the girls: always go after cute guys.

21. Don't take out your cell phone and start scrolling unless you're actually looking for something.

22. If somebody asks for your honest opinion, don't give it. Trust me, they don't really want it.

23. If yuh have a pretty daughter, buy a gun.

24. Learn how to read lips.

25. Watch Oliver At Large reruns when you're feeling depressed.

26. Don't get angry over sports; it really is just a game.

27. Spin yourself until you get dizzy and then try to walk (just don't do it on a full stomach).

28. Greet everybody, even the people you don't like (especially if they know you don't like them).

29. Take the bus when you can.

and the grand finale:

30. Sit for at least 30 minutes by the Kingston waterfront. once a month. Can't go wrong.

Tell me what you think at daviot.kelly@gleanerjm.com