DOCTOR'S ADVICE - My husband is having an affair
My husband is having an affair
Q. Doctor, can you advise a woman who is totally stunned? My husband has just revealed something which has really shattered me. We have been married for 10 years, and I thought we had a really happy and blessed union. I love him so much. And he has always assured me that he loves me. I hope this is true. He frequently says: 'I love you more than any woman I have ever met.'
But for quite a while now, he has been making business trips to the Cayman Islands. And to my amazement, he has just told me that on each of these trips, he usually has an affair. I could not believe my ears, Doc. Yet, he did not seem to think that what he has done is very important. He insists that he loves ME. And he says that these encounters in Cayman 'don't mean anything' and that they are just 'a bit of fun for a guy who is lonely'.
So, Doc, I would like you to tell me something. Is it REALLY possible for a guy to love his wife - but to go off and have sex with women in another country? The other thing that concerns me is this. I have heard that it is possible to catch HIV in Cayman. Is that true, Doctor? I talked to my best friend about it, and she said that sex with a woman is real unlikely to give a guy HIV. Is that medically correct?
A No, it certainly ISN'T correct! However, first of all, let us talk about this business of husbands being unfaithful but stating that they love their wives. Strange as it may seem to you, there are (alas) many married men who CLAIM to love their wives - but think that it is completely OK to have sex with other ladies. That attitude is particularly common among guys who travel a lot. They somehow convince themselves that adultery in another country or another city 'doesn't really count'.
Among my patients, I have found that men who behave that way usually don't feel guilty about their actions. He may regard himself as 'a bit of a naughty boy'. But he thinks that, as long as his wife doesn't find out, everything he is doing is OK. This is a peculiarly MALE attitude. Very few travelling FEMALE business people take the same view.
What really interests me about your story is this. WHY has your husband suddenly chosen to tell you that he has been cheating in Cayman? Something must have happened in order to make him reveal this to you. Based on one or two cases I have seen in the past, I would suggest the following possibilities:
Your husband may have feared that you were somehow going to FIND OUT about his bad behaviour - so he decided to 'get in first'.
Something unusual may have happened - like for instance if a girlfriend has decided to 'go public', or if her husband has threatened violence. Just possibly, your spouse has got someone pregnant - so he has begun to prepare you for this news by telling you about his affairs. There are all sorts of other potential explanations. For example, was this perhaps your husband's way of getting you thinking about the idea of a divorce? Who knows?
Now you ask about HIV. Yes, there is some HIV in Cayman - as there is in pretty well every country in the world. But it COULDN'T be described as widespread. However, the health authorities estimate that, in 57.8 per cent of cases, transmission occurred through 'straight' sexual contact (that is, vaginal intercourse between a woman and a man). So it would be really unwise to assume that your husband couldn't possibly have caught it.
Finally, it seems to me that you love your man deeply - and of course he claims to love you. Therefore, I guess your marriage COULD well be saved. So, the sooner the two of you go to a marriage guidance counsellor, the better. Good luck!
Where can I get the male Pill?
Q I have heard that there is some new 'male Pill,' Doc. So where could I get it?
A Well, scientists have been trying for around 30 years to develop a 'male contraceptive Pill', but they never seem to quite get there. My guess is that the Chinese - who have done a lot of research on this subject - will eventually develop something that guys really COULD use as an aid to avoiding pregnancies.
But the new thing which you have heard about is NOT a product which you are going to find in the shops any time soon. It is an experimental tablet which has been developed from an extract of a shrub that grows in Indonesia.
Allegedly, what it does is to weaken three enzymes which are present in men's sperms. That is supposed to make the sperms so weak that they cannot manage to reach the woman's ovum (egg).
It's reported that the new invention doesn't take away a guy's potency - though it may make him put on weight. Also, there have been some slight suspicions of liver damage. I wish this new invention well, though I am well aware that many of its predecessors have failed to 'make the grade'.
Also, I really do wonder whether the average guy can really be TRUSTED to take a male Pill? But maybe I am just being cynical.
Difference between the Pill and the Jab
QI'm a female civil servant with a vigorous sex life. My doctor wants me to stop taking the Pill, because I am now in my mid-30s. She suggests that she gives me the Jab instead. But isn't that Jab just an injectable version of the Pill, Doctor? So wouldn't the risks be the same for me?
ANo. The Shot (the Jab) is NOT an injectable version of the Pill. It contains a totally different hormone. So it is OK for women in their 30s or even 40s to use for a while, provided they understand their menses may be somewhat 'mashed-up.' Also, please note that there is some risk of THINNING of the bones.
Is my wife cheating?
QDoc, I am a married guy from Havendale. Until recently, my wife could not orgasm. I did not mind, as I just accepted that this is the way some women are. But suddenly, she has acquired the ability to climax! I cannot understand why. So Doctor, do you think this is a sign that she has been having sex with someone else?
AI certainly do NOT think that! You have not the slightest evidence that your wife has been unfaithful. What you haven't realised is that, orgasmically speaking, many women CHANGE over the course of time. So, a lot of ladies who are in their 20s find it difficult, or even impossible, to 'discharge'. But when they get into their 30s or 40s, they often find that they CAN do it. That is clearly what has happened with your wife. So please do not waste your time in suspecting your poor spouse!